Tooth Fairy Day, Floral Design Day, Chocolate Souffle Day, Rare Disease Day, and Scouse Day

Yeah, suck it rare diseases. If you’re not going to get it together enough to plague more people with whatever you’re packing, you’re going to have to share a non-specific recognition day. Hurts, doesn’t it? They’ll never be able to command anything like the same cache of your other diseases, your bowel cancers, your hepatitises (there’s no need to check, that’s definitely the correct plural. Not many people run into multiple types over the course of their lives) and your common or garden variety chest infections. Yes, the very best of ways to celebrate rare diseases day is to spend it contemplating other, more common ailments.

Now, of all the strange juxtapositions you’d think that the tooth fairy and sugary desserts wouldn’t mix. Erm, have you not been paying attention? This is an invasive species that has somehow convinced us all to allow her entry into children’s bedrooms, convincing us to allow her to harvest their discarded mouth bones. Of course she’s more than keen for the little nippers to imbibe as much sugar as humanly possible. The real surprise, for me at all, is to discover that she’s been scouse all along. Not sure what tht says about Liverpudlians, if anything.

Maybe it would be healthier to stay away from sugar and ailments (whether they’re related or not) altogether. Which leaves us with our old friend floral design. At a time when the flowers are pushing their way through the earth and signalling to the world at large that they’re very much alive, it stands to reason that people would be thinking about incorporating them into designs rather more than at other times during the year. I’m sure the venerable Miranda Priestly has something or other to say about floral patterns and this general time of year, but I can’t remember what. Oh well, off to watch the film again (what a shame) and doodle flowers.

Pokemon Day, World NGO Day, Kahlua Day, Open That Bottle Night, Strawberry Day, Polar Bear Day, and Sword Swallower’s Day

Don’t feed the pokemon kahlua. I’m sure the image of a tipsy Charmander is an appealing one, hiccuping its way around the living room – think of the TikTok opportunities – but it’s probably not the best of plans when we’re all cooped up inside. It’s a tricky thing, the relationship we have with pokemon, and it’s rather essential not to exploit it any more than you already do, cooping the poor things up in little balls. Not being a pet owner, I have to make some assumptions, but you wouldn’t intentionally get your dog drunk, right? So, don’t take such actions that might attract the attentions of your local neighbourhood NGO. Wouldn’t want to make them get all litigious on your ass.

Luckily, there are plenty of other things to be getting on with today. The bottle in question that you’re planning to open this evening doesn’t have to be anything alcoholic. Might just be a restorative draught of carrot juice or sophisticated non-alcoholic fizz. Or, because we’ve all got to think about the polar bears and the advertising deals that are the only way they’re going to get themselves out of the mess of their shrinking habitats (hiring a boat to get them to the deepest south with all those delicious penguins), maybe you’ll be cracking into a coke.

Once the beverages are sorted, you can move onto the evening’s entertainment. Sword swallowing might sound like yet another recipe for disaster but in a world with inherent danger hiding around every corner (going to the hairdresser’s carries risks far beyond just those of an unfortunate cut), old concerns don’t seem quite so pressing. Or maybe you should stick to the straight and narrow by watching wildlife documentaries with a big bowl of fresh strawberries on your lap, a healthier option than the popcorn you might have previously been eyeing up.

Levi Strauss Day, Personal Chef Day, For Pete’s Sake Day, Pistachio Day, and Tell a Fairy Tale Day

Once upon a time, in a far away kingdom where they’d never even heard of the rona (or just had the wherewithal to handle it somewhat better than we’ve managed here. Seriously, highest death rate in the world and there aren’t daily calls for a proper enquiry into this mess? Forget about the billions spaffed to Serco, we’re all focused on the vaccine rollout which is going very well indeed. Almost as if using existing infrastructure is a good idea. Where were we?), there was a cook.

I’m prepared to bet that you can’t guess the name of this particular food preparer. But there was so much more to Pete than his crippling performance anxiety that meant he could never work in a restaurant and the fact that insisted on wearing nothing but jeans (the sort of thing you can get away with as a barrel-chested youngster. It was a matter of time before it started to pose a problem. For example, if he’d opted to wear an apron, he might not have garnered quite so many torso burns). It was important to the man that he really got to know his customers, in order to shape fantastic menus around their particular tastes and fancies.

There was just one downside to the general arrangement, an unfortunate quality to Pete that he really ought to have disclosed at the job interview. Admittedly, it was somewhat obvious so it was a little bit on the other side for not noticing. Everything Pete touched turned to pistachios. It was bound to prove to be something of a hindrance when it came to preparing starters. Sure, in the early days Pete managed to introduce some creativity to the equation, purees, encrustings, and the like, but there’s only so much transformation you can put a pistachio through. And difficulties kept presenting themselves. Especially after Pete laid a finger on his suddenly nutty employers.

Toast Day, Chilli Day, Chocolate-Covered Peanuts Day, Digital Learning Day, and Clam Chowder Day

Well, thank goodness digital learning is in the mix or we’d get absolutely nothing done… so, there’s all sorts of opinions out there (it would seem) regarding toast. Namely, whether butter counts as a base or a topping. As in, butter and marmite or just the marmite (if you’re a partaker, that is)? To me, toast and butter is such a heavenly combination that to deny it to yourself just because you want to augment it with something else is strange (yes, I am spinning out a Teams chat as content, well done you for noticing). Adding hummus to the mix does seem a step too far though.

Once you’ve devoured your hearty breakfast of bread plus heat with whatever you want slathered on top (strawberry jam, anyone?), you’ll probably want to start thinking about lunch. Hobbits that we perpetual home dwellers have become, is it any wonder that the days have begun to revolve around food? The biggest question is whether you save the chilli for dinner or give up on the idea of a productive afternoon. You know, because clam chowder is such a light meal.

The important thing is that no one’s going to go hungry today. Absolutely no one. Don’t let all those food poverty campaigners turn your pretty little head with ‘facts’ and ‘statistics’ about difficulties in the universal credit system and whatnot. They’re just not having a celebratory enough time of things. If they were, their mouths would be far too full of chocolate peanuts to make any sort of cogent point.

But let’s move on before anyone tries to contradict me. And so, we’re back to digital learning, the primary method of pretty much everything for the past year or so. It’s hard to think what pandemic life might have been like even a few years ago, when Zoom was just a twinkle in an internet entrepreneur’s eye. Doesn’t bear thinking about, I s’pose.

Pink Day, Tortilla Chip Day, I Hate Coriander Day, World Bartender Day, and Inconvenience Yourself Day

For the likes of folk like me (no dependents, perfectly able to work permanently from home, plenty of disposable income, throwing down missives and proclamations from my cushy ivory tower) this has been a time of supreme convenience. Gone is my daily commute, and the overpowering need to put on outdoor clothing (I feel like the fact that I’m still habitually wearing a bra is cause for definite kudos. I expect my medal to arrive any day now).

Over the course of a normal workday, my biggest annoyance is the moment of uncertainty over whether my microphone has connected during a meeting (it’s fine, I chip in with not remotely annoying jokes. The slightly baffled laughter is all the confirmation I need that I can in fact be heard). In order to put ourselves in the shoes of others, we ought to go out of our way to introduce a bit more inconvenience into the mix. Like putting the biscuit tin on a higher shelf.

Of course, there are those in not quite as ideal working situations as me. Like pretty much anyone in hospitality. It’s not like the bartenders have been having much to do over the past far too many months besides twiddle their thumbs. Maybe they’ve been contemplating weird and wonderful cocktails to crack out on the glorious reopening of drinking emporia. The time might be ripe to get everyone over the inexplicable dislike of coriander (what’s wrong with coriander? Apart from the whole coriander/cilantro, courgette/zucchini, let’s call the whole thing off situation) daquiri.

Or perhaps they’re inventing specialised bar snacks, ones tailored to your beverage of choice. Pink tortilla chips to go with your cold, crisp glass of rosé? Why not? We’ll be open to all sorts of novelties and fripperies once the great unlocking begins (and is never allowed to be reversed because of rampant rhetoric).

Curling is Cool Day, Play Tennis Day, International Dog Biscuit Appreciation Day, and Banana Bread Day

It looks like we’re going to be extra focused on finding ways to make the next 118 days speed by. Funny how the media misses the supposedly provisional nature of the later unlocking stages, almost as if once the promises are made they’re downright impossible to retract. Anyhow, we’re going to have this little waiting period, about a week and a half of life being back to ‘normal’ (because that’s a reasonable expectation to have, rather than continuing to try and protect actual lives by not cooking up a vaccine-resistant covid strain) before we’re plunged right back into the desperate need for another lockdown. Nothing’s been done to make schools safer (prioritising teacher vaccinations, compulsorising mask wearing, commandeering larger spaces for socially distanced classrooms, phased return of pupils), that’s going to be more than enough nudge R rate back above 1. Lucky then that we’re looking at hospital admissions rather than more sensible metrics. Sneaky that.

Where was I? Oh, yes, yet another opportunity for me to pretend that I’ve invented a dog, this time so that we can consider its strong opinions, one way or t’other, when it comes to the appreciation of dog biscuits. I imagine they’re fairly strongly pro. Now please let them go back and monitor the tennis. Something about the movement of the ball is downright hypnotic.

Banana bread, along with sourdough starters, the most important facet of the first lockdown. Seems fitting to be having to think about it again this close to the first anniversary (in the UK, anyway, and that’s all we’re concerned about, thank you very much. China in general has been a lot more sensible about quarantine and that so they’re rather more back to normal than we are) of this whole stinking mess. Maybe you should think about putting on another batch.

Oh, curling is cool. I don’t think there’s anything else to say on the topic once we’ve established that inalienable fact.

World Thinking Day, Single Tasking Day, Cook a Sweet Potato Day, Play More Cards Day, World Yoga Day, Be Humble Day, Walking the Dog Day, and Margarita Day

I’m excellent at thinking about just the one thing. I just tend to slip into different streams of thought without really noticing. We could start by considering the sweet potato recipes that have recently opened up to me (well, it’s been over a year or so. But I spent ages not being able to stomach them – vomiting incident that I know had nothing to do with the potatoes, per se, it’s difficult to dissociate away from the orange chunks once the mental connection has been made – and now there are avenues of vegetarian cooking to explore) and before I know it, I’m fantasising about margaritas (specifically one I had on holiday in a glass that was roughly the size of my head. I miss travelling).

But maybe I’m taking the round tack when it comes to professing quite how brilliant I am at the whole one-track mind thing. I should be demure and unassuming, playing down my assorted talents in the hope that you might all think better of me. What if I were to get in touch with my spiritual side and indulge in a little cultural appropriation by way of stretching? Yoga would be a shortcut to some serious humility, mainly because my balance is such that tree pose would be enough to send me tumbling arse-wards.

I could intentionally lose a round of poker to my imaginary dog (there have been so many pet-related celebration days of late that I’ve just had to go ahead and invent one. Can’t remember the breed for the life of me and he simply refuses to come when called but it helps a girl feel that little bit less lonely) but I think you might all start to judge me rather more than I was originally aiming for. Maybe we should pick a single topic and stick with it, rather than flitting through a whole range of them without proper examination. Wouldn’t that be nice?

Sticky Bun Day, World Whale Day, and International Mother Language Day

There’s a definite arrogance that having your particular mother tongue as the globally dominant one. One that doesn’t go away with any number of sticky buns or trotting out interesting factoids about whales. But maybe there’s a cure for that. In days gone by, we might have exported English all around the globe (either by ingenuity or force, depending on which vendors of history you listen to. But we can’t be getting into all of that right now, Pulling Unfortunate Relics of Uncomfortable Past Events Day isn’t until the summer), but that doesn’t mean it’s going to remain the dominant language forevermore.

So, rather than expecting everyone to cater to our needs and whims, there might come a day when we’re forced to contemplate someone else’s linguistic situation. As someone solely capable of operating in English (well, just about), I’ll be screwed by the development, dependent on Babel fish and similar, counting the days until they invent nanorobot technology capable of automatic translation. But some singular discomfort in the face of progress is a price worth paying, don’t you reckon?

But even once something else jostles its way to the top of the podium (almost definitely Mandarin, right?), that won’t mean a huge amount to those languishing further down the league table. While the heavyweights slug it out for the greatest slice of attention, there are plenty of languages at risk of slipping out of consideration altogether without folk out there to fight their corner.

Of course, it’s also worth remembering that there are plenty of other languages that don’t even get a look in. Like the language of love by way of baked goods (I might not have had breakfast yet) or the way that animals choose to communicate. I’m sure you’ll have heard that there are species out there like bees who have regional accents. Well, that doesn’t even begin to describe what whales have got going on.

Love Your Pet Day, Pangolin Day, Handcuff Day, Cherry Pie Day, and Muffin Day

Ooh boy, the general image of the pangolin is going to require some rehabilitation isn’t it? Well, that’s not necessarily true. They’re still adorably polite little critters, unassuming and a little bit formal as they pick their way across the landscape, wondering if you wouldn’t like a spot of tea. But now they carry connotations around with them too, whether or not their unholy union with bats was indeed the genesis of the virus.

But it’s all fine. We don’t have to think about the ways we’ve encroached on natural habitats, thereby massively increasing the chances of this sort of thing happening again thanks to animals who weren’t suposed to meet getting to hang out together and trade pathogens. We’ve got both muffins and cherry pies, nothing can spoil the day when there are baked goods on the table.

I mean, sure, once you’re surrounded with nothing but regrets and crumbs, you might find yourself thinking about it. The situation in general is nothing short of oppressive, and we’ve been shackled to it for the best (well, not best, you’ve been through this too, more like the majority of) part of a year now. The weight of everything going on pressing down on your shoulders is enough to dispel the happy contented aura of sugar.

And that’s when the four legged friends enter the picture, no waistline concerns there. Distractions wrapped in automatic affection and fur. For those of us who don’t actually have any, you might have to go a little bit more conceptual. Do some window shopping, and then troll the internet for cute videos (I’m led to believe that there might be a few). In some ways, it’s a better option than actually having real pets of your own, no messes to clean up, no allergies to concern yourself with and not even the merest hint of mortality to grapple with. Bliss.

International Tug-of-War Day and Chocolate Mint Day

In a world with abundant resources, albeit with somewhat unequal access, surely there shouldn’t be any particular need to scrap over distribution, right? Well, maybe you have a thing or two to learn about human nature and its assorted disappointing features. Even if we all had enough of the basic fuels to get us through the day, there’d be something or other to get bent out of shape about. Then again, there might be less bloody ways to go about it. Fewer bullets and that.

Now, because the patriarchy hasn’t quite yet given up its stranglehold on civilisation (it would be downright humiliating for folk at large to have to admit that maybe the strongmen aren’t getting the job done to universal satisfaction. How on earth are the chicks outperforming them at every measure of pandemic solving? By taking the ego out of it, you say? No, I don’t think that’s possible. They must be cheating the system somehow), these are the sorts of things that have to be settled through shows of physical prowess. Have the involved parties roll up their sleeves and yank the… maybe this hasn’t gone down a fruitful avenue and is making light of a not particularly fun situation.

But it’s all fine, isn’t it? You might not feel that you have absolutely everything you want out of life, that something or other has fallen short through no fault of your own, of course. In that variety of situation, you could feel compelled to swagger about and challenge randomers to feats of strength (wandering around with a big old rope has got you into trouble too many times before. Thus far, arm wrestling has proven to be a little safer). Then again, it could be a bit healthier in the old mental faculty to calm yourself down with a restoring After Eight or generic brand version of your choice.