Trump Plans Huge Increase in Migrant Rules

While I have in fact done my usual trick and spliced this together from separate headlines this could be, and for all we know actually is, true. Nothing throughout his previous stances on various issues and his depressing and numerous executive orders have done anything to disabuse you of the notion that he wants foreign people to do exactly what he tells them. Insert crass joke about Melania here.

While he takes money away from protecting the environment and pretty much any other government endeavour of merit to boost an already over subsidised military, spouts off about bewildering conspiracy theories regarding the undermining efforts of his predecessor, skips public functions with the capacity for embarrassment, insists on ploughing forward with ridiculous and harmful projects such as ‘the wall’, puts off holidaymakers and thereby depriving the tourism industry of money and possibly consequently jobs, you know he has plenty of other grubby tricks up his sleeve.

The Donald has to have a scapegoat. He’d never have wormed his way to power if he hadn’t managed to convince swathes of the American populace and their country was ricocheting off a cliff and towards certain doom. Even in spite of hard evidence in the form of statistics proving that the murder rate was down, unemployment was at an excellent low and many other, not to be sounding too overwhelmingly preachy or anything, blessings besides. But no, people wanted to feel like the victim. Plus I believe that Russia had a hand in it too.

So even though I made it up like all the stories I pull from the dangerous quagmire of my own mind, you know it’s actually the case. Trump is going to do awful things to human beings simply because they weren’t born in the country he’s conned his way into governing. He’ll start holding hearings for foreigners who can stump up a pricey membership fee for America. There they will dance frantically in front of him as he takes pot shots at their feet. He’ll begin holding musical statue competitions with a fistful of green cards as the top prize. And then deport them anyway just because he can.


Scots to Demand New Betrayal

If this whole independence business is to go forward with any level of greater success then clearly more fuel for the fire is a key requirement. New ground has already been broken thanks to the clear dividing lines drawn by the Brexit vote debacle. I mean, it’s great for the general sense of justice in the world that something good came out of that particular blot but it doesn’t make me any happier that it makes it so much easier for our Scottish neighbours to leave us.

However, since the most recent attempt to slip the surly bonds of Westminster and an increasingly London-centric land didn’t quite pan out as hoped the leaders hoping to take their people towards freedom want to stack the odds in their favour. Labour’s current wobbles and infighting is a great place to start but it’s just not personal enough especially as the SNP such a mighty stranglehold north of the border.

Lothians, Glaswegians, Highlanders and many more besides are actually going out of their way to goad folk in the hope that they can catch a little something of tape. From there, seeds will be planted throughout the internet as part of an aggressive and surprisingly well thought out grassroots media campaign.

The limp and increasingly tepid half-arguments of the Better Together campaign will be swept away completely. The years (and you’re probably just as surprised as I am to figure out that it’s been that long since the last bid for emancipation. Everything that’s happened since then, I know we’re keeping at least one set of digits crossed that we’ll wake up and be so very relieved to realise that it’s all just been a terrible dream) since the referendum have been doing the independence lobby’s job for them. So, what’s going to be the next but one nail in the coffin for the UK?


My Crazy Cesspit Killer

In this social media infused world it just doesn’t cut the mustard any more to be your common or garden variety murderer. Who’s going to be hooked in by that? No, it’s thoroughly imperative that you devise for yourself some sort of attention grabbing persona that will ensure you get the proper coverage. However, the slight downside to this cunning media strategy is that a lot of the more alluring profiles have been snaffled already.

So my new friend was in something of a jam. There was someone they simply had to remove from their life in a permanent fashion. Please don’t judge them too harshly for this, the person in question was incredibly annoying, issued all sorts of ultimatums and wormed their way so far into the to-be crazy cesspit killer’s life that they were proving impossible to get rid of through conventional methods. And trust me when I say that they really tried. Threatening voicemails, the odd kidnapping attempt and even good old fashioned bribery.

You can just picture the scenario. Something I haven’t told you though is that this particular couple lived in a remote cabin in the woods, complete with lack of completely modernised sanitation. It wasn’t a particularly difficult arrangement to drop her into the cesspit, wait until the screaming stopped and then pretend he’d ever even met her. Yeah, I suppose it’s starting to sound a very little bit bad.

But what you shouldn’t underestimate in this situation is how useful it is to have an unconvicted killer at your beck and call who also happens to be ever so slightly unhinged. I can use him to do chores, make threats to people who cross me and all sorts of other things I don’t feel entirely comfortable disclosing at this moment in time. Not just because they’re a little bit illegal.

Toxic Air Risk to the Workers’ Party

It’s terrible when the Conservatives win. Not because I’m thoroughly partisan in my politics (although it’s safe to say that I’m more than exasperated with the state of the Labour party at the moment and their baffling refusal to represent anything remotely resembling an effective opposition) but because they’ve adopted such a smug expression that I can barely stand to look at any of them. It’s like they’ve been vindicated in doing everything they’re getting done because of a supposedly historic gain.

But that’s fine because a completely different person has devised a completely brilliant and not remotely evil solution. I mean, it’s relatively drastic to threaten the governing body with poison gas simply because you’re unimpressed with the way they’re running the country. I can’t say I’ve totally checked the rulebook but I’m sure that the criminal justice system might have a little something to say about it not to mention a couple of objections. So very tiresome.

Or maybe it’s not a remotely real proposition. Someone might be talking bigger than their britches that don’t quite measure up. It wouldn’t be the first time that an unbalanced type has got it into their head that something or other needs to be done Then they come up with a completely brilliant plan and believe that will power is the only method required to follow it all the way through.

But this is the problem when you start adopting mantles or titles that don’t rightfully belong to you. Folk are bound to start raising all manner of objections just because they don’t feel right about it. Do the workers’ even really have a party nowadays? Shouldn’t the people at the top represent everyone? What about those poor overworked bankers who deserve to have their thoughts and feelings respected in the workings of power? And all the pensioners?

Students to be Offered Wrath of Doris

Students are pretty much scum. Filthy little cockroaches labouring under the mistaken apprehension that they deserve fripperies the likes of free education and affordable housing simply because the generations ahead of them were given the same. Well that’s just not how life works. There are only so many perks to be doled out and the immature rats don’t deserve any of them.

They have no respect for their elders and indeed their betters. Rather than knuckling down and studying, they clearly just swan through their university years, inhaling whatever alcohol and illicit substances they can lay their greasy mitts on. When they get to the other end they reckon a high flying job should be handed to them on a platter because of all that terribly worthy studying they pretended to do.

Rather than supporting the generations above they’d rather sponge off them, raiding the pension pots of honest hard working folk who carried the country on their shoulders through world wars and economic depression. They don’t even study proper stuff any more. Rather than pursuing worthwhile careers like accountancy or civic planning they flock like midges to anything cushy with ‘studies’ in the title. Then they emerge from learning institutions swaggering about in the knowledge that they can fritter away time and money as social media experts or something similarly ridiculous.

They exploit the time as nothing more than a period during which they can check out from reality, borrowing money they never intend to pay back from the government or even their own families in order to support an increasingly hedonistic lifestyles. They host and attend lavish parties, wake up in the morning with inevitable crushing headaches and then feel perfectly vindicated in missing one of those lectures or seminars they’re definitely supposed to be at.

Watch out students, this is the wrath of Doris and she is an incredible judgemental lady ready to portion it out to anyone she feels isn’t pulling their weight in society. Next up, immigrants.

Secret RAF Drone Strikes can Beat Diabetes

When you think about it, secret drone strikes can beat pretty much any disease you might be currently afflicted with. If you’re worried about the terrifying march of cancer from that suspicious looking mole you took way too long to get checked out then you can start sending even dodgier emails and take drawing the government’s attention from there.

A drone strike (provided it kills you outright of course, should you be left as a shrapnel studded husk of still-alive humanity, you will find yourself confronted with a barrage of new and almost definitely more difficult to deal with problems) will definitely take care of that nasty patch of psoriasis you haven’t quite been able to kick no matter how many expensive creams you slather on it. And then some.

But there will always be detractors and naysayers. Something about public accountability. I think. I got incredibly bored when someone cornered me with a petition and began practically spitting in my face about the entrenched government conspiracy. I took an eyes-open power nap while they waffled on and on about covert surveillance, misappropriation of confidential information, selective targeting to wipe out particular sections of the population.

In spite of my total inattention I’m relatively certain they mentioned that they’d definitely heard tell of a shadowy figure directing the whole scheme. Someone who’d been expelled from a prominent genetics institution for their unconventional strides taken in the direction of eugenics. They had made a pledge (following the untimely death of their diabetic wife who had an unfortunate weakness for pudding and succumbed shortly after she lost her foot to the disease and went on an extremely ill advised night time mountain hike) to wipe out diabetes. With drones. There’s going to be an action thriller about it very soon. It’ll be about two and a half stars out of ten and will be pulled from air extremely quickly thanks to concerted litigious action.

City’s Stability at Risk from 80 mph Storm

Admittedly, it’s a city constructed solely from matchsticks and piles of sand but it’s still an impressive sight to see. Sadly, we all live in a transient world where nothing lasts any more. The rise of digital means that we do have the means of storing absolutely every last thought but we no longer possess the physical in quite the same way as we used to.

I know I’m rambling but I also know that you know that I have a definite real point. You’re essentially on the brink of digging through your old photo albums and lamenting the fact that you can’t do the same with the more recent ones. Clicking through Facebook simply doesn’t hold the same level of nostalgia for you. Holding a phone in your hands just isn’t anything like as good as smearing fingerprints over something that too will fade with time.

At any rate, weather is coming in the inevitable way it does in this country. However, this isn’t your average garden variety weather that leaves you with unbecoming drizzle clinging to your eyelashes and without even the merest hint of a stunning summer tan. This is howling weather that threatens to fill your boots to the brim with freezing rainwater, to send your lovingly maintained fence sprawling to the ground and to utterly ruin your carefully crafted hairdo. And it’s a storm named Doris so you know it’s definitely going to be super scary.

So, the brave city made from trembling shreds of potential kindling quivers a moment away from annihilation. What’s to be done? Pipe on the superglue, batten down the ubiquitous hatches and hold your breath as you hope so very much to wait it out? Possibly. Or perhaps you’d be better off just walking away and making peace with the fact that nothing you build will last and the world is a very awful place. Or something a little more positive about kittens.