May: I’m the People’s Princess

So she’ll be gone by next Tuesday then. Theresa ‘I’m totally not going to call a snap election’ May has come out with some terribly strong rhetoric during her time in Japan. Yes, she’s very clear that she’s not a quitter and will be the one to lead her Conservative troops into the next election. Sure, she’s never met a U-turn she hasn’t heartily enjoyed executing but now, finally, after a drubbing in June, the woman means business.

Realising she’s on somewhat shaky ground with the electorate, Theresa needs to find new ways to solidify her position. Pursuing Brexit in one form or another (no one can agree on precisely what they want) is hardly a winner. This is one of the reasons why no one else was up for taking on the job after the referendum. So it’s clearly best avoided for the time being (David Davis, the loyal Brexit bulldog will definitely make an excellently successful go of it in the meantime).

Royals, on the other hand, have always been consistently popular. Diana’s been dead for twenty years and people still can’t keep it in their pants when it comes to thinking about her (I know, it’s awful and snarky and callous of me but this has been bubbling away in the background essentially my whole life. At the time of the Paris crash I wouldn’t have even been five, it’s not like I was able to develop any level of affection for the woman before her untimely end).

Ever since, there’s been no one to fill the void. Sure, Kate’s popular and she dresses the kids like tiny little folk from the 1920s (I don’t care what formal etiquette decrees royals wear out and about, they should be allowed to don the occasional t-shirt or pint sized pair of jeans. Not that I care. At all. Ugh royals) but she’s never reached the same degree of notoriety as Diana. Theresa will be only too happy to step up to the plate in a prime ministerial reign that will last a thousand years.



GPs Told to Slash Weaker Pupils

Well if they refuse to learn then what’s to be done with them? It’s hardly as if they can ever become upstanding pillars of society if they don’t get top grades and go to university. There are no other routes to success no matter what lies someone or other might spout about apprenticeships or anything like that. Naturally, in these kinds of conditions, not everyone is going to prosper. There are top grade bands for a reason.

So what is to be done with students who, for one reason or another, fail to conform? It hardly seems fair to allow them to sink into degeneracy and almost certain poverty. Were this to happen it would surely shred the fabric of any well intentioned society. No, they’ll have to be eliminated one way or the other. You can’t expect teachers to have to carry out this judgement though. They’ll have poured their most conscientious efforts into apparent failures. Educators shouldn’t have to be the ones that swing the sword.

At first glance, the medical profession may seem like an odd choice for eliminating the dregs of the scholastic system. They’re dedicated to healing and the betterment of those under their care. Slashing or anything like that done in a non surgical context would surely contravene the Hippocratic oath? Well, what about the argument that leaving these little parasites running around in the general populace would do plenty of harm to others?

They know how to do it best, most efficiently. A quick bloody slash, a long enough break afterwards for someone to clean up the mess and it’s all taken care of. Have I gone a bit too far with this one? Are you chilled to the bone or generally horrified that you can imagine someone coming up with this system? Well, you my friend, have clearly not been reading enough dystopian YA fiction. Which I definitely never do. A bit.

It’s Time to Get New Ibuprofen

And by new ibuprofen, I do of course mean tranquilisers. If my cursory adventures through the daily newspaper headline have taught me anything it’s that the media and large swathes of the country are seriously in need of a chill pill. The slightest little thing is liable to set one person off who’ll no doubt transmit their fury to the next innocent bystander and it’s a chain of a toppling domino effect from there.

Sure, there are plenty of things to get our collective or individual knickers in a twist over in this hectic modern world of ours. However, it does ever so frequently feel rather misplaced. A little girl was granted a place in a foster home. Sounds pretty good so far. Oh, they were Muslims and she’s white? Then it must be the height of iniquity and wrongness. Just another example of people potentially not originally from here being prepared to do the jobs we don’t especially fancy. I stopped reading an article on this story because one sentence complained that the child in question wasn’t allowed to eat carbonara because it contained bacon. Such a terrible crime.

But wait, there’s plenty more to be incensed about. Michel Barnier is apparently refusing to roll over and give the British negotiators every last thing they want from the EU exit talks. Our side didn’t prepare or anything, it’s so mean of him to insist on carrying on with the lesson even though the children haven’t done the reading. Plus there was that whole thing the other day about the police not prioritising English speakers as is our natural God given right. It’s almost as if refusing to adequately fund public services puts a strain on resources.

So let’s dive into a big bottle of pharmaceuticals to numb these unruly emotions, no matter how justified they might be. We definitely shouldn’t go hunting for actual injustices likely to have adverse long lasting consequences. Like the leader of the United States handing out a controversial and thoroughly reprehensible pardon ‘for the ratings’.

Outrage Over New Drug

Why is it that no one can be satisfied with the pharmaceuticals we already have? Of course, drug is such a generic term. We could be considering a situation relating rather more to the nitty and indeed gritty condition of the streets. Not that it’s an area of particular study of mine but it would seem that there’s a new craze sweeping the drug community almost every other week out there. Brand spanking new products to be pushed at the expense of the old and reliable favourites.

Is it any wonder that folk are weary of all this unnecessary change? Surely people should content themselves with the occasional dose of heroin? And if they should so fancy a change they could always resort to a dab of smack. These new garish fads almost give a bad name to the drug taking community.

Well, whether it’s in the realms of the legitimate or rather less savoury than you might otherwise expect, a new kid is on the block. And people are incensed. Sure, it would seem that folk manage to work themselves into a tantrum like froth about almost anything whether or not it’s worth it. Change the slightest thing on the fate of Brexit and it seems that riots immediately threaten to ensue. And then there’s the definitely awful silencing of Big Ben that we’re all terribly surprised was allowed to happen.

What I’m halfway to admitting it that whatever it causing such a fuss is something that the general public will get over. Even if they don’t make peace with the facts of whatever is going on they’ll certainly find something else to fill their bellies with appropriate gall. As a species we’re not generally big fans of change but in a world that increasingly forces it upon us there’s never any shortage of things to be worried about.

Labour Makes Dramatic Shift on Perks and Pay Row

It’s terribly easy to be sufficiently passionate and fired up about a cause when you don’t have to worry about paying the mortgage. You’ll be that much more willing to donate your time and skills for free. At least that’s pretty much the business model the more left leaning political institutions have been relying on for a surprising chunk of recent history.

It kind of sort of worked for at least a little while. People became attracted to the socialist ideals, began dreaming of a fairer society more focused on sharing and justice and cast about for ways to bring that beautiful dream into a reality. They organised rallies and sent out terribly persuasive leafleting campaigns. However, sooner or later they drifted away from the cause. Maybe they had created families and wanted a way to support them. Or it was just good old fashioned capitalism that tempted them away from the path of righteousness.

Never mind that though, there would always be a fresh crop of bright eyed idealists ready and willing to take up their places. However, it became more obvious that this isn’t exactly how a movement grows, this is merely how it sustains itself. But how on earth can you get people with more experience or clout to come and work for you? It wouldn’t be enough to tell them in great detail of how this was the right way the world was supposed to operate.

No, this is when it’s useful to be able to deploy cold hard cash in the pursuit of what you want to achieve. Not just money but also the perks and prestige that come with a cushy high flying job like a fancy company car or an expenses account or maybe the odd work jolly to the Bahamas. Labour will be in power before we know it.

Eton Rocked By 80F Blast

Wow, a whole 80 degrees, that definitely sounds like loads doesn’t it? I mean, it’s more than letters in the alphabet or cards in a standard pack so it’s verging on the unmanageable. On a usual day we’re lucky to get all the way up to a temperature within the twenties. Let alone the totally irrelevant though sadly incontrovertible fact that it’s a different scale, therefore rendering 80 Fahrenheit a not terribly impressive height of weather.

But this is Eton we’re talking about. I don’t know why that’s especially important but to some the mere notion that it’s a bastion of privilege and elevated learning will be highly interesting. Most people would be able to cope perfectly well with the relative balminess of 80F. To be honest, I’m not entirely sure how hot that is which is almost definitely why it was used as opposed to celsius. My one point of reference is that the average hotness of the human body is around 96 or 98. So 80 is probably a bit lower than that but that’s all I know for sure.

The poor little elite schoolboys though. School may be out at the moment for that gloriously lengthy summer holiday (I’m not at all resentful now being an adult in full time employment. I mean, they could have warned us that month long holidays wouldn’t actually be a thing when we got older) but these little chaps are terribly committed. Might be something to do with how much their parents have had to shell out for their admission.

So they’re already unhappy that they can’t frolic about in the fields like other children their age. Instead they are relegated to the classroom and are therefore casting about for something to complain about. If it wasn’t the utterly unbearable heat it would absolutely be something else stereotypically elitist that I frankly can’t be bothered to come up with right now.

PM Under Lorries to Hit UK Roads

It’s not going terribly well for Theresa. First there was the time that no one else wanted to be in charge so she felt the time was right for her to step up to the plate. Perhaps history will be kind to her and her decision making processes in this particular moment in time. However, it might have been a better notion to allow one of the Brexit boys to settle into the increasingly hot seat. After all, May campaigned for Remain but was happy to jettison any and all principle behind this leaning in the quest for power.

And just look at how that’s turned out for her. It might have been alright in the end had she not insisted on that whole snap election lark. She sallied forth with inadvisable policies and got a kicking from the electorate. Hanging onto power by her fingernails, she then had to face the negotiating powers of the EU (naturally she didn’t go herself but had perfectly able deputies, well, some men, to send in her stead).

One by one, the pledges are slipping away and it’s becoming that much clearer that the whole EU exit thing might not have been the very best of ideas. Certainly gunning for that hard mahogany wood style Brexit wasn’t going to do much for the collective good and that she’d have done a better job if she’d touted the benefits of a softer more pliable situation. The fudging of the immigration figures hasn’t helped because it’s exposed that there really wasn’t much of a problem in the first place and she’s been happily heartily lying to us all along.

So she’s got to get out. They’re out for blood and she’s scared she won’t make it out of her current predicament alive. Now, she’s not entirely sure quite where she’s got this notion from but if it saves her life she doesn’t especially care, she’s strapping herself to the undercarriage of a lorry bound for the continent. They’ll never think to check under there and before she knows it she’ll be able to make a wonderful life for herself in a land with plenty more opportunities for people like her. Maybe Spain.