End of the Line for Tory Donors

The penny has at very long last finally dropped. I’m really not sure entirely why it took everyone quite so long to realise. Perhaps the brains of other people aren’t nearly as developed as mine. Or they were holding on hope for a sparkly new honour of their own. It’s hard to be completely sure. Then again, a certain fire did die in the eyes of many after yet another honours list for the New Year came out and they weren’t on it.

Because when you’re in charge, obviously, you have to be able to exploit your connections in order to give a surreptitious helping hand to your mates. Seriously, what else did you expect to happen? That someone you’ve never met was going to notice your natural niceness or benevolence and hand you a shiny bauble because of how friendly you are?

I’m sorry to burst your bubble but that’s not really how the world works (I’m still keeping my fingers firmly crossed that I will eventually win the lottery even though I don’t but tickets for it). So maybe it’s time and past for the Queen to stop handing out relatively empty titles to people just because they can stand the company of those in government for approximately five minutes or longer. It’s just a suggestion, I don’t exactly expect people to pay all that much attention to my extremely sage advice.

But how to select the people singled out for such glory? Twitter poll? Those have never and will never work out remotely badly. Names out of a hat could be a potentially viable option at the end of the day. Or someone could scour the headlines or the internet or the testimonies of the drunk for good hard working people doing their thing who are definitely worthy of note. Industrious bloggers for a random example. Happy New Year!


Looters Target Elderly Patients

We all know that as you get older your penchant for the latest gadgets increases. Not to mention your disposable income and energy for shopping related activities. All these factors combine inexorably to make older people the best targets for petty (and ever so slightly less petty) theft as they’ve got the most desirable possessions to nick. It’s incredibly simple logic really. When you don’t think about it too hard and strenuously begin to look the other way.

Anyway, when you get yourself into something of a Battle Royale style free for all with pillaging and such you’re probably not using your thinking cap all that much. And while it would seem that older folk may not be the most lucrative targets they are somewhat more vulnerable. Not to generalise or anything. I know terribly unfair for me to demonise the looter community in this way but there you go.

I do believe that once you’ve managed to wriggle through one or two cat flaps and made your way out with a few wads of carefully folded money and some choice antiques you’re rather likely to continue with such a winning formula. The snag in the plan comes of course when you start crowing about how well it’s all working out for you. Fellow looters are bound to want to get in on a slice of that tasty action.

Forget for a moment or two that such actions aren’t strictly within the bounds of what’s morally or even legally right. Why should other people be allowed to have the things that you want and so clearly deserve? Especially the elderly, they’ve already had plenty of time to enjoy their worldly possessions, it’s their generation and the one they raised that’s made it quite so difficult for the rest of us to get on in life. Take their things, knock them around a little bit and don’t you feel bad for one tiny moment.

Stamp Duty Challenges Cameron to Annual TV Debate

The leaders of the parties in opposition had a very difficult time indeed in pinning Mr Cameron down when it comes to a televised debate. He didn’t want to take the hour or so out of his busy schedule in order to have something of a smack down with his political colleagues. Or something of that magnitude. We’re not particularly sure what happened over the course of the election. It worked out for him anyway and whatnot.

But when it comes to a national institution, it’s a hell of a lot easier to get him in a large room in front of a microphone. Not that stamp duty is remotely beloved in any way but you know very well how we British are bears when it comes to property and all that razzle dazzle. Stamp duty is something of a niggly and uncomfortable ache in the genital region but its proximity to buying houses makes it a lot more tolerable.

Anyway, ever since it became sentient stamp duty has grown ever more needy when it comes to getting attention (don’t ask what happened, it’s a thrilling and fantastic tale but it’s very much for another day. Don’t look so disappointed, you very much need to earn this and I’m pretty certain you’re not especially prepared). It’s decided that it wants to go to Disneyland and the moon. And have a pet bee.

But the one demand that it refuses to be distracted from is this debate with David Cameron. With the best will in the world, I’m not sure that stamp duty has the best handle on what a TV debate involves. It point blank won’t tell anyone what’s up for discussion. Mainly because it thinks it’ll be able to wrong foot Cameron that much more easily and look like a total winner. There is no downside to this plan.

Swamped – as We Send 500 Prisoners By Accident

Everyone involved in this situation was eventually loathe to admit that the whole thing was triggered by a typographical error. Mainly because it worked out surprisingly well and many would very much like to be able to claim credit for what ended up occurring. It was really more a combination of several factors cohering much better than anyone might have predicted than anything else. Certainly, no one could have actually said it was anything remotely resembling a plan. But this is how things play out in our modern era. Probably.

Essentially, many in the north of England have been somewhat distracted by the recent flooding. Not particularly because dirty rainwater was taking over the lower floors of their houses but because of how much the recent weather was screwing with their Wi-Fi signals. It’s not terribly surprising, you know how we get as a species without regular access to funny cat videos on YouTube. It’s an evolutionary thing.

Something definitely had to be done. Thanks to the catastrophic failure of the expensive flood defences to do absolutely anything constructive it was terribly important for folk to be shown trying to do something or other to help. There was a faintly nebulous idea vaguely related to getting volunteers in to try and usher the water into the sea or something similarly self defeating.

And then somebody grasped the definitively wrong end of the stick and released a bunch of prisoners into the general population under the notion that they might do something to help out with the overwatering situation. So help they most certainly did. A recently incarcerated town planner (hit someone with a trowel in relative self defence) got everyone cracking on an aqueduct inspired design and before long thanks to their efforts the sky water slipped away in a matter of days. They’ll get cracking on installing better flood defences as soon as they’ve had a sufficiency of strong tea.

Return of Killer Knighthood

What on earth would the point be in becoming a knight of the realm if it doesn’t grant you the legitimate excuse to dispose of those filthy wretches who insist on getting in your way? It’s hardly as if anyone’s impressed by the title sir any more and frankly you’ll get rather a lot of eyes rolled in your direction should you insist that people use it. Not that I’m remotely prejudiced against any of the upper classes or anything. I’m quite obviously above all that nonsense.

Events have clearly been spinning quite astoundingly out of control. All the various portents are there: daffodils are blooming well ahead of schedule, various portions of the country are swimming under leagues of rainwater and a total buffoon seems poised to earn the presidentship of the United States (again). So there’s only one way to properly sorts things out, once and for all.

It’s been dubbed the James Bond solution in order to make it sound that much cooler and hopefully get all and sundry on board. Everything’s much more convincing when you attach a celebrity’s endorsement to proceedings. Sure, he’s fictional and incredibly old by now but he’s got plenty of cache among impressionable and ambitious general public. Not to sound overly violent or anything of that ilk but I’m sure you’ll agree that the threat of imminent death is other the solution to most problems in this world.

So an idealistic and opportunistic few will be granted that most high of honours, a knighthood. Along with a tiger and a gun just for the hell of the thing. Then they’ll be given a list of people who they’ll be supposed to sort out. Which of course they’ll completely disregard and go on some sort of America inspired killing spree. It’ll be some sort of holiday miracle that totally shouldn’t start us fearing for our lives and all we hold dear.

Criminal Checks to Help Flood Victims

When there are a lot of people in what can be politely described only as a pickle and a rather limited amount of aid there has to be some sort of way to prioritise. You’ve got to be able to figure out who’s the most deserving of help and whatnot and the old adages of women and children first and all that nonsense don’t hold quite as true as they used to. Probably. At least that seems to be the problem that people at the top have looked to solve.

Anyway, when the worst happens (not the actual worst of course, that would be something like a meteor strike or whatever but we’re British and rather attached to our property) you depend terribly on people riding in on white chargers to save you (you know, the clip cloppy kind rather than the space age sort used to give power to phones).

But think of the uproar that might occur when folk find out that the government has been issuing handouts and the like to those who really don’t deserve it. If they give so much as a fleecy blanket to someone who shoplifted a stick of gum back in the nineties then it undermines the whole charitable giving system. That’s what someone with an almighty stick up their arse told me at any rate.

So what’s going to happen now is that should some unfortunate incident occur and you feel the need for help you’ll have to register with the proper authorities. Then they’ll poke around in your history, dirty laundry and whatever other secrets you’ve been trying to hide for some time now. Should they deem you worthy someone or other will come to your aid and hand you over a chocolate biscuit to make the pain go away. If not then you’re a filthy criminal who’ll most likely get hauled away to prison.

How To… Find the Time

Well I can’t exactly use the newspaper headlines if they’re going to use as silly an excuse as it being Christmas to not bother with the faff of publishing an issue can I? I might have to put some effort into to this thing for a change in order to work out the day’s topic of interest. But how on earth do I find the time? It would be difficult enough on a normal day what with the full time job and all that energetic lazing around I do with all my precious free hours.

But on a day like Christmas there’s simply so much to do. There’s badgering everyone about what time it might be to open presents, actively avoiding having anything to do with the preparation of all that delicious food (I simply don’t want my lack of cooking prowess to spoil the meal, it has absolutely nothing to do with my emphatic not wanting to actually do anything), unwrapping gifts, mistyping the words gifts as gits and introducing a deliciously Freudian aspect to proceedings. There’s probably more but all the excitements has worn me out and I believe that now is the perfect moment for a lengthy lie down.

I was supposed to be telling you something wasn’t I? How do you make it all stop, how do you find the time to pause and take it all in? You might not be lucky enough to see your family every day, you may even enjoy their company. How do you make the most of it?

As with all the big things in life there’s almost definitely no quick route to an easy answer. Come on, would it feel remotely satisfying if achievement was easily within grasp? I think your best bet is probably cuddles, hugs, embraces and whatnot and plenty of them. And maybe put the camera away every now and then. You might actually live the moment and get more out of it if you’re not viewing the action through a lens. Just a suggestion. And Merry Christmas!