How to… Wait for Returns

There are high-stakes games of chicken taking place all over the world. Forward planners are being somewhat punished for their foresight. About time too. There’ve been quite a few rounds of chicken with assorted stakes. Whoever blinks first ends up losing out on their deposit or having to pay back a disappointed customer.

In the last few months, when everything was shutting down here, there and everywhere, it was easier to be confident. No one was going to let you fly anywhere on a jolly, let alone stay in a hotel or enjoy a concert. But, you see, things have changed. Not in any of the sensible places, of course. But here.

So, we’re going to see events going ahead and people having to exercise their common sense. We’ll also see whether or not that brings R back above 1 and that dreaded second wave we’ve been hearing so much about from anyone with a scrap of sense outside the government. And there was me trying not to talk about the virus for once.

Fine, nature is using the human downtime to heal, but there will be a time when everything’s back to, well, not normal, but something a bit closer to it. In short, we’re waiting for the return of everything we used to hold dear, be it sport, entertainment, live music or comedy, foreign travel and pretty much everything else that makes life worth living (yeah… I don’t have kids).

How to we endure that time? A lucky few of us will be able to sink into medicated sleep for the next year or five. What do you mean that’s only in that book I read? Well, what are scientists working on? Fine. Take up some time consuming hobbies like determining which brands of paint dry quickest on which surfaces or making wall sized tapestries. Count carpet fibres. Sort dust mites by size. See, I just invented induced comas through boredom. You’re welcome.

Wait for returns – Annie Hayden

How to… Relax

The sun might well insist on shining ever on, but for the determined pessimist (me – even though it would probably be more accurate to label me as a jaded optimist), things seem rather less than rosy. Virus aside, hard though it is to discount for long, we’ve got plenty of other stuff to worry about like the brewing protests.

But corona doesn’t seem to be going away in a hurry. The whole point of lockdown measures is that they’re only effective in reducing the spread of disease for as long as they’re deployed. Children are being sent back to school, shops are reopening, ever larger groups are being encouraged to gather and none of it is supported by the science the government prattled on so forcefully about following so closely. If anything, we might just have to brace for a second wave because our overlords would rather be seen to be doing something, even if it’s brash, than doing the sensible thing by toughing it out.

We can’t keep steeping in fear over what might be for months on end though. Those of us still able to stay inside have to find ways of relaxing, letting our hair down (even if it hasn’t been washed for the past week or so, definitely not speaking from personal experience…). One size doesn’t fit all when it comes to methods of relaxation of course, given how much variety there is in dispositions and resources.

So, why not try: sitting in a nice warm bath, sitting in a grassy patch of sunshine, venting your frustrations with the government by screaming into a pillow and burying said pillow in a wooded area, staring into a candle flame, having a bit of safe close contact with a fellow member of your household, digging a hole in your garden and burying your worries in it, or just reading a nice book? Or, if you can somehow wangle it, having a bath with some otters.

Relax – Frankie Goes to Hollywood

How to… Keep it Goin’ Louder

Welp, bits of America are on fire again and not just because of California getting a bit too hot. An unarmed black man was killed while in police custody – there is footage of an officer kneeling on George Floyd’s neck as the man on ground begged that he couldn’t breathe. Understandably, folk are upset. Protests resulted with police stations ablaze.

This is what I get for ignoring the other side of the pond while stewing on our own home grown controversy. It’s almost as if the past four years have been an ever escalating contest of ‘hold my beer.’ I’ll admit, blatant murder on tape does somewhat raise the stakes in relation to senior advisor flagrantly breaking the rules they created in a way that the general public wouldn’t be able to do. People are entitled to be pretty damn angry.

Fear not though, the President is on the case. The same man throwing a fit because Twitter is daring to censor him in an incredibly lukewarm way over his outright shit-stirring regarding that there election and legitimate established voting practices (mail in ballots, that’s his new conspiracy). The same man who didn’t say anything half as forceful when it was white dudes, armed white dudes, storming a state capital. I’m sure it was only half about race. It can’t have hurt their cause that they were protesting something that Trump wants overturned. If you want to get away with blatant law breaking, just do it in support of something the man is strongly in favour of, like breaking the lockdown or playing golf. The one who just endorsed opening fire on unarmed protesters.

The point is, injustice cannot be allowed to slide. I’m perfectly content saying this from my secure ivory tower, but if we don’t register our discontent, changes are even more definite not to come.

Keep it goin’ louder – Major Lazer

How to… Escape from Casablanca

If you can get yourself out of Casablanca, extracting yourself from the rigours of lockdown will be an absolute cinch. Of course, given the way that international travel has been somewhat complicated by that whole global pandemic, you might experience more problems getting into Casablanca than out of it.

Look, I’ll leave the boring travel details to you. It might involve commandeering a submarine, a helicopter, a hot air balloon or some combination thereof, but I believe in you logistical capabilities to somehow smuggle yourself into Casablanca (my money’s on parcelling yourself into a shipping crate and forking out for expedited delivery. Hopefully you’ll remember to pack yourself enough travel snacks. I’d recommend trail mix, something that’ll bind you up for the journey. You know exactly what I’m talking about and why we’re going to move on). Once you’ve landed yourself within the confines of Casablanca, you’ll have to start worrying about how to get back home.

You would have thought that the best way to escape Casablanca would be to reverse whatever process brought you to it. Well, think again. They’ve started scanning packages for live bodies, you crashed the helicopter on the border which attracted not a small amount of police attention and you got quarantined the minute you turned up in Casablanca. I’m really not sure what you were thinking of when you took off in the middle of the aforementioned pandemic.

Maybe you should have settled for a journey within the confines of your own mind rather than schlepping all the way out to… Morocco? One of these days, I swear I’ll do the bare minimum of research before launching into my general I know so much more than you so it’s clear that I’m the very best candidate in your life to tell you how to run it… thing. Write your daring escape into a script and see if you can sell it to a film studio. Stranger things have happened. Possibly.

Escape from Casablanca – Michael Giacchino

How to… Climb to Sakteng

Yeah, I don’t know what a Sakteng is or where it might be. Sure, google would be my friend in a situation just like this, but, you know, what is knowledge these days? The wider point is that we need to find things to look forward to and enrich the greyness of life under lockdown (that’s life that’s greyer than precedented times, not casting aspersions on my own general existence).

We’ve all got stuff going on in our lives, right? Just today I experienced the mild terror that comes as part and parcel of someone on a ride on lawnmower trying to get past you on a not particularly wide footpath while you’re distracted with headphones. And they say there are no new things in lockdown. But it would be nice to have an overall goal.

While it’s difficult to pin down the precise thing you want to do, there are flocks of what nots swarming about in the political discource. It would seem that Tory ministers are desperate for us all to move on from the Cummings fiasco. Does that mean we need to move on from our appalling death counts and assorted failings in testing? They would rather that too. Focus on the hypothetical cuteness of the Johnson baby and the PM’s miraculous survival. Not the way he’s threatening the lax lockdown he’s trying to shimmy out of for the sake of one unelected man.

These days, half the fun in holidaying is the planning (because the reality of it can’t happen anytime soon). Let’s do some research on what or where a Sakteng is, figure out how and when we might be able to get there in the near to mid future, strap on some walking boots or alternative appropriate footwear, climb the hell out of it or to it and experience the joy inherent in that activity.

Climb to Sakteng – Imogen Heap

How to… Release the Spy-Fly

This is the only way forward. We need mass surveillance at most times. If you have nothing to hide, then you have nothing to fear. So what if people get intimate knowledge of what your face looks like when you’re on the toilet or slap bang in the middle of intimate times? The trade off is that you’ll have a ready supply of evidence to hand should the time come that you need to prove you went to Barnard’s Castle for an eye test and nothing more devious than that (the fact that it was your wife’s birthday is surely beside the point. And that she’s perfectly able to drive anyway).

But wiring up the whole country for video (even though large swathes of it already are) is impractical. People would notice and complain. It’s clear that the only way forward is to invent and release a swarm of tiny flying information harvesters. We could each have our own one, carry it around on our shoulders, like tiny pets. What’s so dystopian about that? Oh, you throw around the term ‘Orwellian nightmare’ far too often.

Well, why don’t you come up with a better system? Honesty and public accountability? You are one seriously crazy dreamer. That sort of pie in the sky optimism about the sort of world we live in and the types of folk who rise to the top of its levers of power is seriously misplaced. If we don’t have ways to keep high falutin political operatives in line, it’s not like we can count on them to be truthful on their own account.

Of course, it can’t be a world where there’s one rule for the plebs and another for the elites, so we’ll all have to carry around a mechanical narc to keep us all law abiding. Maybe the rules will only last for as long as the pandemic, maybe they’re here to stay. Who can tell?

Release the spy-fly – Lorne Balfe

How to… Not Fade Away

At the time of writing, it’s still, somewhat, up in the air as to whether or not Cummings will hang onto his position. I maintain that it would be a far better situation for the higherups to say ‘yeah, his bad, let’s move on.’ As it is, we’re still in a swirling vortex of messy justifications and mixed messaging where additional excuses leak out on an hourly basis. We’re still missing those unappreciated precedented times when this obvious a misstep would have been justly punished.

Anyhow, wether or not the big aide on campus gets shuffled away somewhere quieter, there’s bound to be a splashy government exit before too much longer. When that happens, when the powers that be usher you away from the spotlight you crave, what’s to be done about the unfolding situation?

Some might be minded to accept the chain of events with grace, to bow out for the sake of the greater good and that. In all fairness, if they were concerned about the greater good in the first place, it’s highly possible that they wouldn’t have pushed so hard for ideological projects that will demonstrably do irreperable harm for the sake of some bullshit rhetoric. So, whatever the reason was for getting into power in the first place, it probably wasn’t about serving the public.

In order to stay relevant, it’s important to remain in the public eye. Take as many interviews as possible, in print and on telly, calling in as many favours as you can to make that happen, as well as levying the odd threat. Get other forms of media involved, like having multiple films made about your story where you might be played by a rising star of British cinema. If you can manage to be featured in various memes, you’ll be set. It turns out that Cummings has already got this sewn up, he just needs to actually quit first.

Not fade away – Buddy Holly

How to… Honey, Just Allow me one More Chance

It was absolutely right for him to do what he did. Which was protecting his child from neglect by pootling along to his parents and then taking in a local-ish beauty spot. It’s clear that there are no lockdown breaching crimes too large for certain members of the inner circle. Rules only apply to those of us who aren’t doing the PM’s homework.

And what makes total sense is for the senior members of the government to rally around an unelected advisor. Promoting his decision making is a lot more important than maintaining the increasingly shaky guidelines around when we’re supposed to leave the house. Granting Cummings retrospective permission to have shlepped all the way up to Durham when at least one person within his household was exhibiting symptoms jeopardises the whole system. People are feeling resentful about not being able to go and hold their loved ones’ hands before death and other things that aren’t as important as visiting Barnard Castle.

The inexplicable thing about the whole situation (I mean, there are a few, but this one’s floated to the top of my thinker so it’s become paramount) is the way everyone’s so desperate to protect someone who didn’t win a single popularity contest to get there. Flies in the face of our totally sensible system of democracy.

And then there are terrifying perspectives that Johnson will do whatever it takes to keep Cummings in his post because he’s a lazy figurehead who doesn’t want to put in the work it takes to lead and depends on Cummings to do all the busywork. Imagine spending all your life plotting and scheming for a role your privilege has told you that you’ve always deserved and then not being prepared to actually do it once you’re there. Can we just put him on a stamp and then let someone competent do the governing?

Yeah, I know. We’re in trouble. At this point, it would be a hell of a lot safer to have said ‘yeah, he screwed up, but he’s not resigning’ than this doublethink to exonerate clearly guilty actions.

Honey, just allow me one more chance – Bob Dylan

How to… Bring my Family Back

Well, that sounds pretty ominous, doesn’t it? Let me assure you, all of my blood relatives that were alive at the start of this pandemic still are. Everyone’s fine and doesn’t seem to need bringing back in a from the dead sense. But I haven’t seen most of them since this viral nonsense kicked off and hugs have been completely out of the question.

And news broke last night that yet another person with an important governmentally tangential job has breached lockdown advice. In this case, an advisor (I’m not naming him because I don’t want to give him the oxygen of publicity – obviously granted by a name check on this blog. I’m not that happy about him having the oxygen of oxygen and would dearly love to know what the late great Linda Smith would have to say about this loathsome individual) exhibiting coronavirus symptoms drove hundreds of miles to another household with people who should be shielding.

Hypocrisy is irritating. Mainly because it works against folk of my ideologies. People on the left get nailed to the mast for lesser crimes than those on the right. Scientific advisors have fallen for lesser crimes. One of the assorted problems with the Cummings (there go all my principles) situation is the kind of message it sends. This isn’t a simple case of a one-time exception. How many people, those who’ve been following the rules for weeks, not seeing or hugging their loved ones, will start thinking that exceptions can be made in their cases too?

But that’s not going to happen. He’ll stay ensconced in a position he never earned with a surprise iron grip on another individual of privilege wielding power far above his abilities. And while I’ll be having a web chat with assorted members of my family later today, it’s not quite a substitute for a face to face gathering.

Bring my family back – Faithless

How to… Steal my Sunshine

Is it stealing if I was prepared to give it away? Anyhow, after what feels like endless weeks of blazing sunshine, I can’t see a single scrap of blue sky. Maybe it’s my Britishness showing, but I feel like I shouldn’t be this excited over the prospect of a cloudy day. As a people, we’re just not built for relentless gorgeous weather. What’s worth discussing about that?

Yesterday, I transitioned into floaty summer garb, shutting my jeans away for the time being. It feels like it’s too early in the year for it though. It’s triggering all my assorted doom instincts. We’re spending all this time getting concerned about little things like viruses when the climate change cloud was hanging over everyone’s heads all along. You can’t squander all your fearmongering over a passing fad.

But we’ve wandered away from stealing my sunshine. I’ve been in the business of drawing all yours away with my constant negativity. What can I say? It’s a gift. So, we’re in a time where certain resources are scarce. It makes sense that you’d be looking out for a way to get your greasy or otherwise mitts on something that might not necessarily belong to you but you believe will bring you comfort in a testing time.

Sure, I might not own sunshine, it might be one of the most universal commodities on this planet, the basis for life on our blue marble, but you’ve decided that you’ve got to take it away from me. Having something for yourself isn’t quite the same as making sure that someone else can’t have it. That’s twisted rich villain logic right there. I imagine that a blindfold of some description might be the simplest way to go. I can’t see you manufacturing a giant sun-blocking device like some kind of cartoon character. You know what, though? Sounds intriguing. I dare you.

Steal my sunshine – Len