How To… Follow the Heron

There are a few different ways to interpret this. Especially when it comes to your motivations. If you’re planning on doing something nefarious or untoward when it comes to that heron, well, I know they can defend themselves but I’m just not comfortable with setting up that sort of situation. Should herons in particular be your fancy then for the love of propriety can’t you just use a stuffed toy? Maybe with bird calls piped in if you insist on that level of depravity?

Oh sure, that’s not remotely what you meant. I think thou dost protest too much but people will start accusing me of being odd if I continue down this particular track so let’s pretend it was based on your innocent obsession with interesting ornithology. Or possibly an impulse on a purely metaphorical level. It could happen.

So, for you to attempt to shadow a heron like some kind of birdwatching ninja the first step is to hang out somewhere that herons are likely to congregate. And before you go giving yourself a pat on the back for coming up with a remarkably clever idea, zoos and the like definitely don’t count. If a heron doesn’t have the opportunity to go anywhere, how would it possibly be considered an accomplishment to follow it? No, into the wild with you, keep quiet and wait. Then get your skates on because I’ll bet they can fly faster than you can run.

On the other hand, you might have acquired some strange notion that you ought to observe the heron in order to apply some level of its philosophy to your own life. So silly, it’s owls who are renowned for their wisdom. For some reason. Maybe you simply admire the heron and aspire to have its… I don’t know, skill when it comes to fishing. You might want to investigate an evening course. Or set up your own and create new acolytes in the ways of the heron.

Follow the heron – Karine Polwart

How To… Send Her My Love

As the internet debate rages regarding a topic it has little to know chance of influencing at the moment, it’s high time I chucked in my two cents on the matter. Clearly the baying mob is working itself into a frenzy as it awaits my opinion. So, starting with the obvious, as the proud owner of various lady bits (and that’s not just the macabre necklace I spent far too much of my teenage years assembling, but I’ve already said too much), I’m thrilled that a lass is getting a crack at the whip.

For all the chaps moaning about an ovary holder grabbing the TARDIS key and crushing all their hopes and dreams, why? At its heart, this is a show for children. It’s easy to lose sight of that given it deals with grown up themes and has already outstripped some of its older viewers in maturity. But for these guys (I hate to generalise but I haven’t seen any gals apart from Katie Hopkins disapprove of this and I haven’t got the energy to wade into the bottom half of the internet), it’s just not about you.

I know, the mere suggestion that something in this world hasn’t been crafted around the preferences of white men between the ages of mid twenties and forty is downright heinous. Your demographic isn’t been catered to in this one niche instance, my heart bleeds. Why not go away and dive deep into literally any other show that bends over backwards to please you and leave this one alone? I’m sorry to say it but you really won’t be missed.

When it comes to Doctor Who I am something of a wayward sheep. I wandered away after 11 left the fold because he was the one I was used to and I never quite warmed to Capaldi. It doesn’t mean the show was ruined or anything of that degree (I’m sure my inattention was sorely lamented of course) but this new casting could well be enough to tempt me back. Glorious. And love of course to Jodie Whittaker.

Send her my love – Journey

How To… Let Me Know You Know

When you try to let me know that you know that thing you’ve come to understand it’s important that you tread carefully. For one, it wouldn’t do to let other people around us know the things that we know or even that we know it in the first place. We can’t let more folk into the circle of knowledge because then it simply wouldn’t be all that special now would it? If it’s something that everyone else knows then why would it be important for you to let me know you know it?

Perhaps it’s something I’d rather that you didn’t have knowledge of. Maybe you’ve been following me around or watching me in ways that aren’t strictly legal. Not that anyone’s presuming to judge you or anything along those lines. It’s simply worth you knowing that we all know about that court order you tried to bury in your distant past. It’s safe to say that had you been prying into my affairs in this way there are almost definitely several things you’re aware about that I’d rather the general public weren’t.

You could slip me a thoughtfully handwritten note, or drop me a line via email or even a comment on this very slice of internet content (after all, no one else in the entirety of existence will get to see it if I don’t approve the thing. Tremble at the mightiness of my power, potentially tens of characters may have been censored by me just because I wanted to exert my influence in some tiny way). That would be a perfectly unobtrusive way to let me know that you know.

But somehow I don’t think that’s what you want. You want not just to let me know that you know but to know that I have realised that you know in such a way that you now have power over me. That’s the whole point to this operation isn’t it? And somehow you’ve twisted circumstances round in such a fashion that I’m actually telling you how to do it. You don’t need my instructions you evil genius, we both know that.

Let me know you know – Yeah Yeah Yeahs

How To… Say You Won’t Let Go

People have feelings about Titanic. For example, there are plenty who insist that there was more than enough room for erstwhile lithesome Jack on that floating door debris. Perhaps there was but how would that have fit with the plot? They tried getting both of them on and he decided to sacrifice himself for his lady. When you’re succumbing to hypothermia having survived massive trauma you’re probably not in a hugely experimental mood. Grand romantic gestures are almost definitely more your thing.

But the issue I’ve heard raised over and again (I spend a lot of time on the internet rather than in conversation with rational people. Certain arguments get rehashed ever so slightly more often than they deserve to be) is that she says she’ll never let go in the same breath as casting his frozen corpse into the depths of the ocean. Well, my lambs it could be that she’s going for a more metaphorical interpretation of the statement. It’s probably not a good look if you’re trying to get rescued if you insist on lugging an expired boyfriend into the lifeboat.

This isn’t about the epic love story of Rose and her bit of rough though. It’s merely an example of a route that you could take in your own declaration that you might let go. However, it is a little limited. After all, I don’t know all that much about you but I can’t imagine that floating in the sea after the most celebratedly unsinkable vessel has just slipped below the waves is something that’s likely to happen to you more than once in a lifetime.

Perhaps if you’re dangling off the edge of a cliff face and your hopeful rescuers aren’t quite certain as to whether or not you purposefully put yourself in that situation, a bold declaration of the fact that you won’t let go will disabuse them of any suicidal suspicions. Or maybe you’re just holding hands with a loved one and you want to reassure them. One of those.

Say you won’t let go – James Arthur

How To… Tell All Your Friends

Post it on Facebook. Job done. I probably definitely ought to expand on this topic a little bit more or I’m liable to  type all work and no play makes Rozzie a dull girl over and again until I’ve hit my entirely arbitrary word count. And that will make no one especially happy.

For one, the activity of telling all your friends somewhat depends on a few different factors. How many friends do you reckon you’ve got? Where are they located? Is this the sort of news you feel you have to let loose in one announcement and therefore how will you manage to gather your blessed acquaintances in one area? What variety of news or development is this – would it be suitable for posting on online forums? Do you require a fanfare the likes of which ought to be provided by a marching band? Are you mates with a marching band you can include in this announcement?

In this modern world of ours, with folk moving up and down the country and even beyond, your friendship circles are likely to be more scattered than they may once have been. This is your prime opportunity to turn delivering the news that you’re getting married or birthing new spawn or even that you had an especially pleasing haircut into a grand progress, meeting the common folk and seeing far off lands.

If you generally can’t be arsed with such an expedition (you’re a busy person, Game of Thrones is nearly back on the telly and you’ll need to grant it your full attention), then there are always alternative methods of communication. You could carve out a decent chunk of time for a round of heart to heart phone calls or, if you happen to be in possession of all their addresses (I mean, who doesn’t?) you could send beautifully handwritten notes bearing your all important news. Or, you know, you could just bung it up on Facebook.

Tell all your friends – Feeder

How To… Feel This Way

So, I jotted down some thoughts in anger a little while ago and a quick browse of former blog entries hasn’t convinced me that I’ve already cannibalised them for a post. At any rate, it’s a sufficiently important topic (anything that pisses me off this much is automatically of great significance) that it’s worth bearing out at least twice. This is my lazy disclaimer and if you’ve got a problem with it then I urge you to tell as many people about it as possible (it’s the only way I’m ever going to get my stats up because, you know, lazy. And self promotion takes effort).

Just because you like, or even love, a piece of pop culture be it literature, film, television show or whatever doesn’t mean that it’s alright to be blind to its flaws or even straight up deny them. Allow me to let rip with my controversial statement that let to an embittered argument: Lord of the Rings is not a bastion of diversity. I can’t think of any characters who are people of colour, for example. It’s worth saying at this point that I did get bored trying to plough through the second book so gave up and I’ve only ever seen the films once a very long time ago. It’s very possible for me to be wrong in my recollections.

However, my own personal bugbear is that there’s a notable lack of female influence. Sure, you’ve got Aragorn’s main squeeze and Galadriel’s in there for good measure. And the other woman. That’s pretty much it for named characters though. Sure, it’s a flaw of the genre as a whole and I’ve been previously spoilt by well realised ladies embedded in the fantasy oeuvre. I’ve already admitted that Tolkien is not my favourite in this sort of thing.

There was a most vociferous objection raised to my observation that LoTR is about as representative as your average executive board. An attack on something (not someone) you love is not an attack on you. And just because you disagree with someone’s view does not mean you get to shout that opinion down. No matter how vehemently you oppose it. The last few years alone has more than demonstrated that this is the darker side of free speech.

But seriously, screw you and the horse you rode in on if you feel that you have to force your view through and aren’t willing to accept that something you enjoy isn’t perfect. Game of Thrones is a show I’m very into but I’m more than prepared to admit that there’s gratuitous nudity, problematic storylines and more besides. If you keep preventing those around you from speaking their minds, even if their thoughts are in discord with your own it’s going to lead to problems. Mainly with me attempting to slap you in the face. Or doing something evil to your food.

Feel this way – Phillip George and Dragonette

How To… Please Use This Song

Back to the wedding (do I really not have anything else going on in my life? Well, I couldn’t confirm that one way or the other but this whole marriage stuff is new and exciting and interesting for at the very least the time being. I can’t really make any particular decisions for the time being – I’m assembling an entourage, consisting of just my mother and brother at the moment, for viewing potential venues this weekend though. So that’s why I’m obsessed with the music selections for the time being). You know, for a change. My blog, my rules. It’s not as if I have a loyal readership I can irritate with my relentless self interest.

It’s an important part of proceedings – way to put the couple’s stamp on the day. Would you want to default to an old classic, a tried and tested track that people will appreciate and yet won’t be able to help doing at least a very little eye roll to? Sure, you might have fixated on the absolute perfect song that for you represents the epitome of romantic love. But what if then a sickly sweet film franchise hijacks it or, worse, brings it to your attention (I’m definitely not thinking of A Thousand Years but I have seen it top a few suggestion lists. Along with Flightless Bird, American… Something, can’t remember, don’t care)?

No, I’m determined to have something a little bit more off the beaten track. Of course that means I definitely have to be that much more careful, examine lyrics and their underlying meanings and then get the selections past the other half. It’s got to be something interesting and meaningful and, most importantly, stuff that most other brides wouldn’t necessarily consider. I didn’t say any of this was especially rational, it’s a bit self-obsessive to want to be different in this matter. But I am the bride so what I say goes – it’s going to be very difficult indeed to relinquish this power without a fight.

Please use this song – Jon Lajoie