Vote on Brexit Deal Threatens World Order

Yes, it’s a gross overstatement but why not pander to those who are currently getting their knickers in a twist? The next few years are going to definitively prove that we’re just not as important on the world stage as some people reckon we are. The EU will most likely continue on much the same without us, not very many folk out there are going to be inspired to follow our lead and it will become that much clearer that we’ve collectively shot ourselves in the foot.

Anyway, I’ll be honest and admit something. I didn’t realise that if Parliament voted down whatever cobbled together mess our negotiators have cobbled together come March 2019 then that means we leave anyway just without something even pretending very hard to be a legitimate deal. I suppose I was still hopeful that there were still opportunities for Brexit just not to happen. Do I really have to start wasting my birthday cake wishes on such nonsense?

I can’t help but swing back and forth on this whole mess. Never am I convinced that it will be an even slightly beneficial for this country of mine that I cannot be bothered to get patriotic about (you can’t convince me that it’s worthwhile. There’s far too much to be ashamed of instead). But occasionally I’ll consider that those disenfranchised people who voted yes, either as a protest or just for the sake of change, deserve to be paid attention to.

Luckily, Nigel Farage will shatter any illusions I might have in his promises to pick up a gun if he doesn’t get his way. I look at the various metrics that prove there will be demonstrable harm if we keep striding down this self destructive path. It can be reversed, it should be reversed and I can’t truly understand why everyone is refusing to do so.

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Let Little Boys Send PM ‘Orwellian’ Set of Demands

Well if best buddies Johnson and Gove can put their little heads and sticky fingers together to come up with various demands regarding Brexit then surely anyone else should be allowed to do the same? Who truly feels represented at the moment, are there politicians out there who truly understand what you care about and are doing their darnedest to make it happen? Obviously not (if you do then I feel totally jealous) so we’re going to have to find different ways to get messages out there.

Who would find it in their heart to ignore the wishes of innocent little boys? Don’t answer that, we already know. However, it’s a blindingly brilliant PR move to hide behind their smiling cherubic faces and drum up support for whatever cause the tiny tots have been manipulated to endorse. It would be easier than ever to demonise the establishment if they won’t take a few minutes out of their busy day of chasing their own tails to hear out what the mini guys have to say.

What do children know about anything? How could they possibly have any insights into how the country should be run? Unless of course they’re unlucky enough to come from a family where their parents don’t manage to earn enough to both feed them and keep their home heated. Or maybe they can’t afford the home in the first place.

Yeah, kids are dumb with their earnest hopes that one day they’ll be able to afford to have a foreign holiday or a full belly. How dare they disturb government ministers during the all important fifth consecutive reshuffle of the Cabinet following yet another scandal. Maybe the latest one will be about someone having the guts to remain their credibility rather than moaning about not being able to get away with molesting people or backing up their mate’s latest gaffe (see: Gove).

Rebirth of Tory Turmoil

The Tories have been out into the wilderness before. For many years while I was growing up and not necessarily paying a huge amount of attention to the political sphere, the right wingers were left out in the cold. However, they’ve been in power for plenty of time now. You would think that they’d be in a better position right about now.

However, back stabbing and complicated plots have manoeuvred the government into an increasingly awkward position. Which has absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with the fact that their leader isn’t the mightiest and seems thus far incapable of inspiring trust of loyalty. Of course it’s also worth considering the fact that there’s no credible heir apparent. Because if there’s anyone out there who can stomach the thought of Boris occupying the top seat then they’re someone I definitely don’t want to meet. Unless I can just kick them hard in the shins and run away.

But it would seem that, at the moment, there’s no end to the Tory troubles. I mean, who would have thought that white men wielding power might abuse it in the pursuit of having their way with vulnerable women? Before you accuse me of hopeless bias, I will freely admit that the harassment scandal has touched Labour too but any dismissals on their side doesn’t trigger a Cabinet reshuffle.

Add into the mix several baffling meet ups with a foreign power. I’m still convinced that there’s more to that particular story but perhaps I’m just hopeful that a woman in a position of some influence wouldn’t be quite that stupid. Perhaps, all in all, this isn’t a sudden rebirth of the Tory troubles and turmoil. Maybe it never really went away, after all, is there anyone who can honestly put their hand up and say that this u-turning government has actually been doing a decent job? I’ll wait.

Begging Ban of Boris

What a festering butt-crack of a day. I’ll get onto whatever I’m going to talk about in a minute (once I’ve actually decided what it is, probably shouting about Boris) but my phone straight up died and I couldn’t actually tell you why. Catastrophic motherboard haemorrhage or something similarly techy. Don’t buy an LG Nexus 5X – they conk out with no warning, consider yourselves good and truly warned. I did like it while it lasted though.

Right, at this moment in time (because nothing else I could come up with actually make so much as a lick of sense and I’m not in the correct headspace for anything clever. If you thought anything along the lines just then of when do I ever do anything clever then that’s just rude. But thank you for adding to the word count, it’s surprisingly helpful now) I am going to use my considerable power to call for a ban of our current foreign secretary.

He is a pathetic excuse for a human being let alone the top diplomat this country supposedly has to offer. Yes, I don’t like him at all, I find him utterly repellant especially whenever he really plays up his buffoonish facade in order to gain popularity. I hate to admit it but it’s a lot cleverer than he likes to give away. So, yes there’s prejudice there.

However, he endangers the very people he ought to be doing his utmost to protect. Also, I don’t like his face and would rather I never had to see it again. So, brothers and sisters in the pursuit of justice and overall rightness in this life, join me as I call for Boris to be banned. If that results in a permanent home arrest so be it just so long as he never gets his greasy mitts on power in any form ever again. Amen.

Cameron Lobbies to Lock Up Teen Thugs

You’ve got to feel sorry for ex-Prime Ministers in this day and age. I mean, technically you absolutely don’t. They’ve enjoyed a distinguished or otherwise career and probably won’t have any money worries ever again which is more than a lot of people can say. However, as far as I’m aware, back in the day once an individual was finished with the highest office of this country they most likely wouldn’t have all that long left to live and could enjoy a modest retirement.

However, the lads and ladies making it to the top seem to have got progressively younger. Or at least were in such a condition that it would be rather more tragic for them to drop dead just a few years after the end of their premiership. So what’s a political cipher to do with their decades of irrelevance?

Sure, they could milk the after dinner speaker circuit for all it’s worth (the only way I get my Tony Blair news is through political satire so that’s all I know about him) or frolic about in their expensive shepherd huts in the garden (is there any greater indicator that his wife is tired of him getting under her feet? Or am I resorting to lazy gender stereotypes? There’s just no way to know). But poor old David has decided he’s so very bored with those options.

He essentially wants to be an even posher Batman. However, if a masked vigilante were to pop up on the streets they would rightly be fodder for ridicule. So Cameron wants to find a more legitimate way to be allowed to go out and fight crime. He’s done with the hugging of hoodies, now we wants to bang them up. That came out wrong. But at the end of the day, it doesn’t really matter what he does so maybe let him crack on?

Patel Quits Over Superfood Diet

Who knew that Theresa May could be such a control freak? Not only does she absolutely insist on being kept in the loop whenever you so much as meet with a foreign power (she also wants to dictate the meeting’s agenda as if a cohesive foreign policy is more important than an individual minister showing off their personal clout) but if you happen to work for her, the PM will insinuate herself into all sorts of unexpected life decisions.

Theresa has seen fit to institute a dress code (the details of which have been surprisingly hard to track down/I can’t be bothered to make up) but the arena in which she is overwhelmingly overbearing is what her minions choose to eat. As far as she’s concerned, the logic is totally straightforward. Theresa May is in such a situation that she can’t cope with losing a single member of her not at all weak and wobbly cabinet.

Unfortunately, she isn’t in charge of the narrative when it comes to pesky things like sex scandals and international gaffes that endanger the lives of British citizens overseas (Boris is complete trash and deserves nothing whatsoever, let along the shreds of power he’s been able to cling onto). But Theresa absolutely can ensure that her people stay hale and hearty through good diets and plenty of exercise.

This eventually proved to be a bit too much control for Priti Patel. She found herself chafing at constantly having to justify every last cheeky Nando’s and delicious burger just because they didn’t fit in with the meal plan provided. So the natural response was to cook up a halfcocked scheme on holiday to meet with folk in Israel, promise them whatever they wanted as long as it was in conflict with what the UK had decided and then no one would blame her for quitting.

Sugar Speeds Up Patel’s Fate

Please newspapers, I really don’t want to talk about a dead minister. I don’t know all the facts regarding his sexual harassment allegations and his subsequent suicide so how are my two cents about what that might mean going to help matters? But I have done a scattering of homework about Priti Patel so I’m terribly qualified to weigh in about that whole mess.

I’m relatively certain that Theresa May is in something of a pickle with the latest developments. Domino after domino continues to fall in her increasingly shambolic cabinet. As much as it would be fantastic for Boris to be finally shown the door but it’s unlikely. So what if his bumble endangered a vulnerable British citizen overseas? It’s far more important that he doesn’t get a chance to insist that Brexit would have been so much more successful if he’d been involved.

Priti Patel on the other hand, has gone a lot further down the path of transgression. According to the comments on an editorial I read (bastion of balance and judgement in this workaday cyber dominated world of ours), she’s acted like a spy and has essentially committed treason against the country. I imagine there’s probably more nuance to the situation than that – the two state solution almost definitely comes into it and I definitely don’t know enough about that to have a reasoned opinion.

So she’s on a plane, or possibly on the ground awaiting the frenzied call back to Westminster, almost definitely in a bit of a state. But there’s no way to speed up travel or anything like that. Even if there was some way, it’s impossible to tell how long Theresa will make her wait (she’s well known for her trippy power plays). Mainlining a crate of mini donuts and a sack of Haribo is bound to make her feel all the better.