The Ways of the Miracle Penis

Yeah, I know. How unbearably smutty. When she has the audacity to choose this sort of subject matter how can she possibly think to present herself as a woman of any level of poise or restraint? Well, I don’t care, this is my space, my rules apply. Especially as a brief scan of the day’s news reveals a teenager in Northern Ireland who is sectioned because she presents as suicidal thanks to a pregnancy forced upon her that she doesn’t want.

Sure, the propping up of the Conservatives by the DUP is likely to shine a light on backwards practices regarding women’s health and LGBT rights but I’m already exhausted by outrage. We haven’t come anything like as far as we should have done by now. Yes, it’s great to see that the latest general election has brought about a parliament with more women than ever before but it’s just not enough. Hard won rights can be walked back more easily than we might like to think. Take a look at America if you’re resistant to that information.

So I’m going with a little vaguely rude levity. That is if you think references to the male sex organ are even especially risqué. Before we delve into daring exploits and such we need to turn briefly to terminology. What is it that makes a gentleman dangler miraculous? Perhaps the fact that it is there at all to be wielded at will by the pork swordsman. Or maybe this is specific reference to an especially magical shlong. What if it vibrates?

Anyway, this anonymous portion of man meat goes where it wants, does as it will thanks to the tiny downstairs brain in the host’s rump. It’s an explorer, braving new fronts in the pursuit of… oh I don’t know, insert your own seed scattering metaphor here.

Song choices courtesy of: John Williams, Vertical Horizon and Monty Python

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