Harry Potter and the Drunk One Night Stand

I know, I know, Harry married the love of his life straight out of leaving Hogwarts following the time honoured tradition that his parents had begun before him (that’s right ladies and gentlemen, we’re examining the varied motivations of characters from children’s literature following the end of their natural arc). He certainly wouldn’t have had time for pre-marital shenanigans the likes of which are so popular with millennials nowadays. Of course, he’d just been through all that Voldemort trauma, he wouldn’t have felt the urge to sow any wild oats.

Having been through all those near death experiences would quite certainly have wiped away all those pesky hormones that so many teenagers are afflicted with. I would be surprised if he’d been left with any remnants of a sex drive whatsoever. That’s probably why it took several years for any of them to produce a child whatsoever (it’s hardly as if readers had previously been provided with any information about wizarding world contraceptive measures).

But firewhisky is powerful stuff and it’s easy to get just a little bit carried away. Start reminiscing about the good old days when you were a big and powerful hero in the magic war. Naturally you’ll attract all manner of admiring glances from impressionable witches who greatly appreciate not living under the yoke of muggle haters and pure blood enthusiasts.

In the back of your head is a fuzzy impression that you’re vaguely beholden to someone else but that’s taken a definite back seat. What’s more important is that raging sensation that you’re someone very significant indeed. An impression that accompanies you throughout the night, as the robes come off, more alcohol is imbibed and certain acts are performed which you’ll definitely regret in the morning but also know that Ginny must never ever find out about that drunk one night stand that didn’t mean anything and shouldn’t interfere with the continuation of the franchise.

Song choices courtesy of: The Axis of Awesome and Garfunkel and Oates


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