The ‘until death parts us’ clause is in the marriage service for a pretty compelling reason. Sure, it allows a grieving widower to find a suitable lady friend to terrorise his offspring but there’s far more at stake than that. Once you’ve made it past the pearly gates, you really shouldn’t feel tethered to any earthly spouse no matter how great your appreciation for them might have previously been.
Just imagine everyone who’s ever died. You hardly need to be an Andy Zalzman to truly appreciate that there are some genuine hotties from history in the back catalogue of the past. Naturally, as time goes on and more people shuffle off the mortal coil towards the fluffy afterlife in the sky, the talent pool gets increasingly diverse. This means that the heavenly bodies are forced to seriously up their game if they want to score a date with the, well, heavenliest of bodies on offer.
This trend has proved to be quite the boon for the after death gym industry. Of course, plenty of other parasitic merchants have spotted a gap in the market with protein supplements and muscle stimulants and all that. So it’s got to be a wonderful comfort to know that the pressure to look supernaturally excellent doesn’t go away even after you’ve pegged. Grandad is chugging away on a treadmill just for the slim chance Marilyn Monroe might agree to a coffee date.
But what happens to those poor ghosts who can’t scrub themselves up? The below average majority who aren’t harder, better, faster, stronger, prettier or wittier than your common or garden variety Joe Bloggs surely don’t have the merest whisper of a chance with the post life elite. They can pair off, they can pine from afar or try and make peace with the fact that heaven is just the after party that goes on for the rest of eternity. Keep your fingers crossed for decent canapes.
Song choices courtesy of: Daft Punk, Mumford & Sons and The King Blues