How To… Go All the Way

Am I actually going to go through with this? Have I reached the point of even contemplating dispensing advice when it comes to… you know. Of course, there’s nothing wrong with delving into such a topic although it is ever so slightly icky. Perhaps you think I’m being squeamish, there’s nothing whatsoever to feel remotely awkward about. You write about it then. But no, you came to me for insight so we’re just stuck with the situation.

I can’t get bogged down in the sheer embarrassment of it all. Getting caught up in thinking that people are going to read all manner of nonsense into my private life is no sane way to proceed. So know from hereon in that it’s all going to be completely fabricated even though you reckon you could swear blind you’d already heard me reeling off an anecdote about the one and only person I’ve… nope, we’re not getting into this. We need to make this about you. For once.

So, you’ve identified a special someone. Whether you’ve been seeing them for a few days, weeks, months, potentially years or you’ve simply spied them from across a crowded bar you’ve decided that you’re ready to jump in the sack together. It’s totally a convincing love story for the ages. They’ll sing about it for years to come. You know, about the totally epic sex (I said it! We should celebrate. Not like that).

Here’s the plan: decided whether or not to introduce alcohol into the situation and then imbibe or don’t (but ensure moderation because drunken antics do not for a first great time make. Probably). What you’ll then have to do is to locate an appropriate setting for intimate shenanigans, preferably not in too close a proximity to a surfeit of floodlights (if publicity really is your bag then crack on). After you’ve obtained proper consent, applied protection of choice and watched an instructional video or two (research purposes only of course), you can get down to business. It’ll be great.

Go all the way – Raspberries

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