How To… Watch That Man

It’s a paranoid age. If you stop watching absolutely everyone then you’re bound to miss the moment when they begin surveilling you. Not that anyone’s getting squirrely or however else you might choose to describe it. You definitely don’t have anything to hide, you’re merely desperately clinging limpet-like to your privacy as if it’s the only thing that really matters in your life. For reasons you don’t care to divulge at this point in time.

You can’t be everywhere at all times and you certainly can’t split your attention across many different streams. Especially when you’ve been so transfixed by that riveting documentary on salmon farming. So you need to develop strategies to make sure that your soft and fallible human attention doesn’t miss so much as a single intriguing thing. Expensive cameras and extensive recording equipment is definitely a good start but such set ups have been fooled and outwitted before.

Or perhaps you’ve already gone too far. It’s unreasonable to aim to keep a weather eye on anyone and everyone. Therefore, it’s time to go for an entirely more laser focus. There’s someone in your life, you know precisely who, and that man needs to be watched. He’s the very source of all your misfortune, be he celebrity with undue influence, politician gone off the rails or even an acquaintance you don’t much care for who’s crossed you one time too many.

So follow him, document his every move by posting his doings online, circulate everything he dares to share on social media, break into his house and observe him while he sleeps. You won’t get into trouble for actions that the courts might brand as stalkerish, I promise. Although, if you get it into your head that I’m the person you should be watching I assure you that you really oughtn’t. It’s just not a pretty sight in the mornings, you might well end up wanting to claw your own eyes out and then what a mess you’ll be in.

Watch that man – David Bowie


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