How To… Adopt an Elephant

I believe I may have mentioned this once or twice before but I would really rather like to have a pet. Sure, I’m out of the house for many hours every day and enjoy the freedom to go away on holiday at relatively short notice. However, I think I’d definitely be excellent at it (you’ve got no evidence to the contrary, ha) and the problems involved would be particularly difficult to overcome.

But you know what? Fine, I won’t get a dog yet. I don’t need a reason to go out for regular walks or anyone else to cuddle. I’m sure I can find a way to keep going forwards (it’s possible it’s not as big a deal to me as I make out and I know that some day, when it’s fair on the animal in question, it’ll happen). It’s clear to me what I should do to console myself of my canine lacking state. I’ll adopt an elephant.

On inspection of my home and not entirely extensive grounds (it’s possible that you may not be able to get to the garden without going either through or over the house), I have concluded that there probably isn’t quite enough room for an elephant (plenty of space for a dog though, just saying). So you’ll have to do it on my behalf. I know you will, think about it, your very own elephant. How delightful it will be.

Go to Africa or India (depending on how you feel about the relative sizes of ears) and spend some time with elephant families. Get to know them, their habits. And start judging the mothers. It’s fine, you definitely have the right to do so. Identify which elephant mama isn’t quite doing her job properly and appeal to the authorities. Impress upon them how much better a job you’d do of raising their progeny. Then take a tiny elephant with you on your return home. Raise it, love it and reap the benefits of elephant parenthood. Forget about that weak sauce of giving charities money in exchange for the empty promise that they’ll make an elephant life a bit better in the wild.

Adopt an elephant – The Victorian Trout Conspiracy


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