NHS Denies Operations to Giant Cannibal Spiders

Oh, of all the small minded petty ways to cut corners and save money. If we can afford to keep folk alive way beyond their prehistoric life spans then why is it so insane to breed killer beasts to set loose on the population at the merest whim? I don’t understand your confusion right now, surely those ideas are intrinsically connected? This is not my evil dictator side making a play for supremacy.

One of the various problems with this variety of population control programme is that people are thoroughly disrespectful of your handiwork. Not only do folk not pause for a moment of two confronted with an angry flesh eating arachnid to investigate the complex beauty of the creature before them but they also actively try to squash it. Before long you won’t have any more of the spiders to tinker with and they’ll never be able to reach the massive size of eight feet or so that you were planning on (Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets may or may not have had an undue level of influence on you).

And yet, when you brought their mangled yet somehow still living bodies to the NHS they flat out refused to fix them. Some even had the audacity to shriek in horror and insist that you left the emergency room. Why didn’t you just take them to a vet at the very least? Because gigantic ravenous spiders are people too and it’s time and past that society came to accept that basic fact.

I mean really, what’s next? They started off by refusing to help the spiders. Soon after they stopped treating the massively overweight and those who drove their bodies to ruin by the excessive consumption of booze, cigarettes or other delightful drugs. Before long they’ll only give you medication if you sign a pledge to never have unprotected sex, not walk into any bear traps and essentially agree to never have any fun ever. What a terrible world.


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