How To… Piss on the Door

How terribly uncouth. Are we no longer members of a civilised society? Perhaps this notion is rather more representative of the anarchic nature running through this country than I really want to admit. There’s something pretty damn cathartic about releasing one’s bodily fluids all over someone else’s property. Not that I would know anything whatsoever about such disgraceful behaviour. I’m still rather shocked at the very thought of it.

Anyhow, cracking on with the task at hand let’s have a good old ponder about weeing. Depending on certain characteristics of your personal anatomy, the prospect of urinating against a vertical surface will either pose a few logistical problems or fill you with anticipatory excitement. I’ve said it before and I’ll admit it again, ladies are excellent in a great number of ways but we do unfortunately lack the power of directional flow. For micturition out in the big bad world one can opt for squatting and aiming the best one can or purchasing equipment for the purpose such as the delightful She-wee.

Then you’ve got to figure out precisely which door you’ll be blessing with your golden shower. Need it be the entrance of the abode of someone who’s wronged you? Could you settle for a door to the headquarters of an organisation whose key values and mission statement don’t quite align with your own? Who knows? It could well be the very business who employs you.

Wherever you end up settling on there are a few rules of thumb to go by that might just keep you out of trouble. Try to make sure there’s no one around to stop you, possibly by posting a non-judgemental friend as a lookout. Load yourself up on fluids of course. There’s nothing worse than getting to the crucial moment and realising that your bladder’s as dry as a bone. And just enjoy yourself.

Piss on the door – Beck


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