How To.. Curl Up Like a Dead Leaf and Go Where the Wind Blows

I’m already in trouble. No matter how delicately or diplomatically I try to make my phrasing it’s definitely going to sound like I’m calling you fat. Especially now I’ve pointed it out. But come on, it’s going to take a fairly mighty wind to so much as lift you off the ground let alone carry you away. Oh please don’t look so offended. Just imagine the gale force winds required needed to shift my faintly impressive bulk.

So really all you need to do to give yourself something of a boost is to increase your aerodynamic properties. I know you can do it. Emulate flying squirrels or bats by grafting big flaps of skin between your fingers or flailing limbs. If that doesn’t sound entirely palatable then I will begin to question your commitment to this enterprise. However, I assume you can achieve a roughly similar effect by crafting your very own parachute like costume but it won’t be half as authentic.

When emulating a dead leaf it’s important that you don’t actually expire. We’re rather floppier than greenery when we peg it. A corpse flapping about in the breeze will be a lot more disturbing than you might have wanted. You want to keep it stiff if you’ll pardon the euphemistic sounding phrase.

I am starting to wonder why you wanted to do this in the first place. Haven’t you got better things to do than to float through your existence like a glorified plastic bag? Don’t you have a job or a family or at the very least someone who doesn’t despise the very sight of you to attend to? If not then you might be better employed sharpening up your lacklustre social skills rather than working on your less than fabulous kite impression. To each their own I suppose. I hope the wind is at least blowing somewhere nice for you.

Curl up like a dead leaf and go where the wind blows – Bombay Bicycle Club

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