Gove and Boris Tell PM Patrol Channel for Migrants

It’s so very wonderful living in this country. We’re chock full of excellent native cuisine, world famous tolerance and we’ve even got a Queen who doesn’t insist on acting like a despotic toddler with an army (not in public anyway. You should see the apocalyptic battles she gets the corgis to act out – and the resplendent military uniforms she decks them out in). You can see why anyone living absolutely anywhere else would sell their entire set of grandparents in a flash just for the chance to abide on this island even for a little while.

Just consider what a hellish existence it must be trying to exist away from the dark satanic mills we’re so inexplicably proud of. Other lands are chock full of dissent, politicians and other leaders driven apart by factions and rivalries that don’t make a huge amount of sense. They take the smallest, most insignificant issues and blow them completely out of proportion.

Probably, I’m definitely not trying to make some sort of satirical point or anything about how we’re all basically the same. I’m not that subtle, in case you hadn’t already noticed. It’s not like we have the greatest climate or anything. Who wants to shiver and huddle in cloudy conditions when they could have brilliant sunshine somewhere else? Maybe they should get directed to somewhere far lovelier like the south of France, they’d have such fun there.

It’s considerations like these which have driven Boris and Gove to the realisation that we definitely can’t accept any more migrants. It’s for their own sakes as they’d be so much better off literally anywhere else. And Cameron should personally go out in order to patrol our seas and make sure no one slips through. Anyway, I’m sure he’s been dying to have a legitimate reason to don a captain’s hat, he probably thinks he’d look simply dashing.

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