Scientists Claim Cure for Cancer is Internet Trolls

I know what it sounds like. A rogue laboratory’s worth of researchers is gearing up for April Fool’s Day by popping a whopper out into the general consciousness and seeing if anyone falls for it. However, there’s a little more logic than that to this latest affirmation. I’ll try my very best to run you through the technicalities of it. However, those of an ever so slightly less scientific persuasion might have to work a little to keep up. Such adversities are character forming so deal with it.

Cancer is something made by the body. Maybe it’s the ultimate act in masochism, someone from on high sent it down to punish us or it’s simply one of those crappy things that happens for no rhyme or reason. One day a proper explanation will be reached. It’s definitely nothing to do with smoking or being fat or anything of that ilk though.

This means that in order to get rid of cancer we are somewhat obliged to attack ourselves. It’s the natural order of things. The sadness of the situation is unfortunately that cancer can somewhat grind us down and rather impair our kickass immunological abilities. There have been all sorts of strides forward in genetic engineering and whatnot in order to make our white cells hardier and that. It doesn’t seem to have amounted to all that much as of yet if the papers are to be believed.

Someone had a brainwave around all this. What if the body can be spurred into action all on its own? Take away the potions and the poisons strong enough to obliterate the cancer along with the rest of the patient’s cells. Instead cure them will blind and indignant righteous fury. Subject them to a torrent of nonsensical and entirely vile comments from people with nothing better to do with their time. In order to be able to take these awful types down, the body will cure itself and chase away the cancer as an afterthought. Piece of cake.

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