You know, like a split cream bun only ever so slightly less delicious and marginally more right wing. The split Tory is a rare and special sight and given how prone they are to scurry away from illuminated places it’s important you know what they are and how to recognise them. Then, once spotted, you can record the magical encounter in your special split Tory logbook and show off to all your friends your highbrow nature spotting ways.
Your standard or garden variety Tory is easily identified by its colourful plumage (often in the form of shockingly highly coloured trousers) and well ingrained sense of self. It has absolutely no doubt as to where it stands in the social pecking order and is keen to keep others from climbing the ladder and dislodging it from its rightful position in life. They can be found at local watering holes, in line for the cinema and wherever good times can be had. Probably. My study of them may not have been quite a fulsome as I’d originally thought.
However, what we are concerning ourselves with today is the split Tory. For whatever reason, this creature has suffered a crisis of conscience of one variety or another. They have been faced with evidence that has caused their world view to shift. It can be a very disconcerting experience for those who were previously so comfortable with who they were and where they stood.
The glossy sheen of their coat disappears and the split nature comes to the fore in some very strange behaviour. One moment they almost seem normal (as regular as a Tory can get at least) but then something will spook them and a little socialism, communism or something even worse will slip out. They become social outcasts, those with feet in multiple camps and no longer sure where they stand in the world. Poor dears, I think we all know how to deal with this.