Students in Crisis Over Virus Spreading Explosively

Haven’t you heard what’s happening in the student population? Well, that’s probably good for your soul and whatnot because that particular population is beginning to reach depths of depravity the  likes of which most people won’t have previously dreamt of. But anyway, something’s sweeping through the hardworking undergraduates, cutting something of a swathe through those hapless misfits.

It’s definitely not a well worn excuse for delays in handing in that crucial last essay or even a dissertation. Certainly, the first person didn’t just discover a totally brilliant excuse for getting out of doing work before the deadline. They definitely didn’t immediately trot off to the nearest pub and begin regaling absolutely anyone who’d listen with tales of how brilliantly they’d shirked various responsibilities and convinced their supervisor that they deserved an extension. Such stories that didn’t get told gave absolutely no one any ideas about coming out with such lies of their own to avoid whatever was going on.

So here’s the long and short of it. A terrible virus is making its merry way through students. It’s so close to apocalyptic I’m not sure I can bring myself to go into particulars for at least a few more sentences. I am quite surely not padding, neither are the students because that would be really rather devious and we’d never want to deceive you in  such an appalling fashion.

Unexplained rashes, boils, stabbing pains in the liver. These are just a few of the symptoms that haven’t been recently exhibited by the sufferers of the virus. It’s been more often a little along the lines of sudden and incompatible lethargy, somewhat explosive diarrhoea that we won’t spend much longer discussing and a surging and compelling need to wear dark glasses and not do any variety of work whatsoever. It’s a totally legitimate medical thing.


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