Osborne in £3bn Vow to Beat £100 Terror Gun

I’m sure that plenty of people out there will have heard of the phrase ‘go big or go home.’ It’s easy to tell that Mr Osborne is something of a fan of the saying. His mother sat him down recently and let him know in no uncertain terms that his current efforts simply weren’t up to scratch. She went on to spin him a tale that we won’t go into right now. Suffice it to say that the eventual moral of the story related rather closely to the saying we’ve already discussed.

So it was time and past for George to strap on his big boy boots and go forth tackling a few of the bigger issues of the day. Just as he was doing so, words that his father had recently imparted rang in his ears. Sure, going big or going home was important but he should also take care to pick his battles. It was all well and good to get all puffed up and go after terrorists or tax cheats or whatever but Osborne would look ridiculous if things didn’t pan out well for him. He had to consider the optics.

After several cups of tea and several hours spent scouring the papers, various news sites, Twitter and more for matters to get indignant about, he had it. Someone somewhere had gathered the audacity to print a gun. If a person only had to shell out one hundred pounds and end up with a working firearm without having to go through the usual permit channels or whatever then surely it was a mockery of everything good people stood for? Or at least that’s what he decided to put in the press release.

Osborne set to work. He employed thousands of surveillance operatives to keep an eye on anyone with access to a 3D printer. He bought a stack of the machines for his personal use to work out how they could be used to manufacture arms. No fewer than six advertising agencies were tasked with devising campaigns to put people off printing guns. And so on and so forth. Big he certainly went.

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