Don’t Drink Cheap Petrol

I can’t believe that the above actually had to be said. I mean I kind of sort of nearly get the thinking behind the decision. People are always going on about how it’s surprisingly cheaper than milk per pint. So I suppose it’s not all that much of a shock that people might begin to try it as an alternative on their cornflakes of a morning (I mean it is completely horrific but it is relatively natural leap. Of course it isn’t but you almost get where people are coming from. Nearly).

But seriously, and I want you to pay proper attention to me for one or two tiny minutes, don’t drink petrol. No matter how cheap it is. I’ll explain in a moment what it’ll do to your pink and tender insides but first let’s explore your alternatives to swigging straight from your car’s tank. Because clearly you need things spelling out for you in gloriously fulsome detail.

You can sip delicately¬†from a puddle of rainwater. Or fill the bath and let it mature for a week or three into a heady and complex broth. I’m sure you’ll be able to find something drinkable on the fridge (I may have just given away the very secret hiding place of our alcoholic stash. It’s fine, I’ll just move the fridge up onto the roof or down into our nonexistent basement. No one will discover the precious booze then).

Because petrol, however cost-effective it might be relative to other soft drinks, really isn’t particularly good for you. It’ll melt your guts, do increasingly funny things to your brain wiring and give a tiny proportion of drinkers superpowers. Which will totally mess with their egos and leave them dried out and broken down husks of humanity. Before they burst into flames. It’s a story as old as time.

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