Return of Killer Knighthood

What on earth would the point be in becoming a knight of the realm if it doesn’t grant you the legitimate excuse to dispose of those filthy wretches who insist on getting in your way? It’s hardly as if anyone’s impressed by the title sir any more and frankly you’ll get rather a lot of eyes rolled in your direction should you insist that people use it. Not that I’m remotely prejudiced against any of the upper classes or anything. I’m quite obviously above all that nonsense.

Events have clearly been spinning quite astoundingly out of control. All the various portents are there: daffodils are blooming well ahead of schedule, various portions of the country are swimming under leagues of rainwater and a total buffoon seems poised to earn the presidentship of the United States (again). So there’s only one way to properly sorts things out, once and for all.

It’s been dubbed the James Bond solution in order to make it sound that much cooler and hopefully get all and sundry on board. Everything’s much more convincing when you attach a celebrity’s endorsement to proceedings. Sure, he’s fictional and incredibly old by now but he’s got plenty of cache among impressionable and ambitious general public. Not to sound overly violent or anything of that ilk but I’m sure you’ll agree that the threat of imminent death is other the solution to most problems in this world.

So an idealistic and opportunistic few will be granted that most high of honours, a knighthood. Along with a tiger and a gun just for the hell of the thing. Then they’ll be given a list of people who they’ll be supposed to sort out. Which of course they’ll completely disregard and go on some sort of America inspired killing spree. It’ll be some sort of holiday miracle that totally shouldn’t start us fearing for our lives and all we hold dear.

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