Quickest Way to Victorian Diseases

Let’s go back to when Britain ruled the waves. I really do think everyone (and by everyone, I do of course mean little red faced men who shout the loudest about the ‘good old days’. Their opinions, after all, are the only ones that truly matter in this day and age) would be happier with this variety of arrangement. We’d have to make one or two improvements obviously.

Forcing a democratic election for a reset to the glory days would be a far better alternative than the slavery tinged frogmarching we perpetrated before (I refuse to crack any books in order to find any supporting evidence because that whole chapter of imperialist history is frankly too depressing). Just pitching ideas here.

Perhaps the best way to go back to how it was before is to address the health aspects of the day. We’re all living for far too long nowadays and it’s having a detrimental effect on the NHS. If we could all possibly just arrange to die earlier of scurvy that would be marvellous. Preferably just after we’ve produced a litter ripe for conversion into a gang of lovable orphan pickpockets.

The quickest way to reintroducing Victorian diseases is living a wholesome Victorian life. Pile on the restrictive undergarments, stop worrying about purifying your water and even have a think about not vaccinating the ones you love. There are plenty in society who are somewhat ahead of me in this particular scheme.

Once our gentle young ladies start perishing of nonspecific weakness and the like everything will get that much more romantic and tragic. Which is definitely the aim of any modern society. We will finally be able to revisit those glorious old remedies like coating one’s chest in chicken fat and shouting in Latin. And don’t forget the gallons of glutinous calves’ foot jelly. Oh it will be ever so much fun.


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