Leading Tory Tells Cameron to Buy Me As a Wife

Sure, it’s a very frowned upon thing nowadays to try and buy someone in any context. And the sheer notion that something as serious as marriage should be made analogous to such a frivolous thing as a mere business transaction patently absurd. Nevertheless, sometimes needs must and one has to turn their attention to the idea that money may need to change hands in order for them to achieve the state of wedded bliss.

You know, because getting hitched is almost always an extremely easy and cheap process and they never whack the price up by two or three hundred per cent just because someone mentioned the word ‘wedding’. Anyway, this is very much a situation outside of the norm, especially as no one is supposed to know that Samantha’s out of the picture just yet. It’s not important with regards to this story what happened to her, the most relevant thing is that the public must never know.

It would reflect absolutely awfully in the prime minister if his wife completely disappeared and he didn’t have a backup ready to go. Who would escort him to private functions and pick out his ties for him in the morning? It would be tantamount to a public disaster. Luckily, David has plenty of great minds at work when it comes to cracking potential problems like this before they leak out into the public arena.

This one happened to be a real head scratcher. People were up all night devoting all their little grey cells to generating reasonable solutions. Everyone was exhausted by the time a worried Mr Cameron fluttered in wondering how successful they’d been. A leading advisor was especially loathe to admit defeat. He suggested that David could always pay him an appearance fee to pretend to be the new Mrs Cameron. So it’s probably more of a rental plan but there’s every chance it could go perm.

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