Queen Braced for New Grammar

It turns out that absolutely no one has actually told the Queen the shenanigans that people have been perpetrating with her English. Monkeyshines are abounding and she really is none the wiser. Sure, she may well have some sort of awareness regarding what a tweet is but get onto awesomesauce twerking and mansplaining and she would scratch her head in sheer perplexion would such an action not dislodge her magnificently coiffured do and hat.

And yet somehow the word leaked out as it is so very wont to do. Someone gave her majesty a dictionary from this century and her royal mind was well and truly blown. She’s only just made her peace with the existence of the internet and now all this manner of nonsense rocks up.

Now she’s a very hardy gal, she can definitely take all of this in her stride. Words are made up all the time and language has always been an entity that undergoes evolution at an occasionally break necking pace. However, what really gets her goat (and as a wealthy landowner, boy does she have a lot of those) is the systemic misuse of grammar.

As far as Liz Two is concerned, it’s time and past we returned to the old ways. She’s even got to grips with the ways of the technologically savvy and can frequently be found to blog her views under the guise of a pensioner named Susan. She shudders at the frequent violation of the sanctity of the humble apostrophe and sees no point whatsoever in being monarch if she can’t force her subjects to adhere to the rules of basic grammar.

I see this as a win-win situation. On the one hand, we might see a society where textspeak and autocorrect does not in fact rule all. Where people aren’t afraid to stand up to their spell checkers and stand by the knowledge that it should be CDs and not CD’s. Or the queen will abdicate and I’ll get to live in that republic I’m so keen to experience.


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