Putin Moves to Stop You Going to Hospital

Now I know what you’re thinking. Why on earth would the increasingly benevolent dictator of Russia (come on, you know he’s a big squishy teddy bear underneath those cold dead eyes and genocidal mannerisms) be concerned with the state of your health? Well, he’s not in actual fact. I’m sure that your health related stories are several shades of gripping but in the long run Putin really isn’t especially fussed.

The long and short of it is, he’s stepping into the realms of social experimentation overseas. When you think about it very hard indeed, he’s really just trying to do us something of a favour. He’s paid attention to the various moans and gripes relating to the National Health Service. They’ve managed to catch his interest somewhat which means he’s now in the mood to tinker.

So, waiting lists are intolerably long are they? Hospitals are man trapping cesspits riddled with antibiotic resistant super bacteria who’ve made it their quest in life to infect and slay every old person they come across? Fine, let’s do something about it. The way forward is crystal clear in its very simplicity. All that needs to happen is for people to stop going to hospital.

You see, once you clear out all the sick people then the corridors and wards can be scrubbed to within a very inch of their lives. Once they become monuments to the awesome power of cleanliness they will no longer pose a threat to the infirm. Who will no longer be allowed to enter for fear that they’ll soil the place with their illness.

Never fear, he has other plans to improve the NHS. A lot of them include imposing ridiculous targets and cutting budgets to the bone. He was kind enough to share his schemes with Jeremy Hunt on one of their weekend retreats wrestling reindeer on topless horseback rides.

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