There’s absolutely no doubt about it. I am the favourite child. Before you start getting all het up about it please don’t blame my parents. Even as a baby I was distinctly fabulous. My mum and dad realised when I was born that in order to lavish the attention and worldly goods I absolutely deserved they’d have to take some highly drastic measures.
So it really was rather lucky they had a spare. I’ve never revealed to anyone previously that I had a twin (in all fairness I only just made him up for the purposes of this pretend article but I did wait until the second paragraph to tell you all about him) but I totally genuinely do.
Shortly after our arrival into the world a very lucrative offer was put to my parents. They’d take the second squalling infant off their hands for an extremely generous sum. Honestly, who’s going to say no to that? I got to be swaddled in nothing but the finest Egyptian cotton and didn’t have a second sibling vying for any extra attention (I didn’t quite have the wherewithal back then to get them to make a bid for my elder brother too).
So what happened to my other brother? I know you’re all suddenly very concerned about his wellbeing. Well don’t you worry your pretty little head about him in the slightest. He’s having a whale of a time being at the forefront of scientific discovery in top clinics around the world.
Yes, they’re exploiting him ever so slightly by smearing potentially dangerous chemicals on his face but he does get to take advantage of their bottomless biscuit barrel. I think it’s a very successful approach to parenting, focus on the most promising one and sell the extra one to the highest bidder so you have a little bit of spending money left over.