May Demands Ban on Rise of Isis

I really don’t know why they didn’t think of this before. It’s so mind numbingly simple that they definitely ought to be ashamed for not at least trying to attempt this previously. After all, Isis are a respectful and law abiding organisation. All they needed was to be told a very firm and definite no and they’d have no choice but to cease all activity.

No entity in this world or the next is held in higher esteem that our good old fashioned British government. They’ve got the backing of the queen and everything. When they issue an order on something the whole planet stands to attention and takes notice. Once we’ve finally got this whole Islamic State kerfuffle sorted out and well and truly behind us, Teresa May can get to setting all the world’s ills to rights simply by banning all the problems.

People will be forced to stay within half a mile of the precise location of their birth. Those around them will be banned from oppressing them of course and everyone will be made to be cheerful and neighbourly. The world’s climate will be banned from changing any more and essentially reset to how it was back in the good old days. For those who weren’t alive back then, that’s probably the fifties when everything was good and happy.

In a surprisingly left wing move, possibly to pre-empt anything Corbyn might once have done (obviously he’ll have been banned from having anything to do with parliament and will have gone to set up a nice sandwich shop somewhere out of the way of Westminster), bankers will be banned from drawing obscene bonuses and all the money will go to the ladies of the WI who’ll use it to fund community outreach courses to teach everyone how to knit. And all the other countries will be banned from deploying their nuclear weapons. Naturally.

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