Pensions Shock Death Toll Rises

You really do need to be ever so careful with the older generation. Their withered little hearts simply aren’t up to handling the shock to the system. Leap out at them with a blazing cake and you might as well keep a toe tag handy in your back pocket.

Because septuagenarians and above are clearly so very past it that it’s a public obligation for you to do your very best to shield them from all the ills of this world. Wrap them from head to toe in bubble wrap and the fluffiest cotton wool you can lay your hands on. It might be an idea for you to provide a few air holes but that’s really a judgement call. I leave it with you.

What’s currently occurring in the news is a stark example of how various substances can hit the fan if you let an unsavoury cat out of the bag without supplying adequate warning. Or something. The government had the audacity to change the way that pensions are paid out. Or calculated. Anyway, some massive change was made that altered the course of history as we know it.

The pensioners weren’t even a little bit prepared for this earthquake in their perception of the world and all they hold dear. It was nothing short of apocalyptic. Things kicked off with wide scale swooning and general collapse. This led to a few bruised kneecaps and the occasional trampling. These gave way to heart attacks and strokes. They simply couldn’t cope any more.

I hope the government are happy with the change they’ve wrought. Perhaps they meant to so as to alleviate the pressure on the national health service. Maybe they didn’t and they’ll learn in future to preface any announcement, big or small, with several weeks of build-up and preparatory statements. You know, for fun.

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