Prison If You Lock Up Your Babies

Now I’m really quite sure that every last one of you understand the impulse. The world is a horrifying and scary place. It’s full of monsters, greedy people who’ll happily steal all your money and incredibly terrible weather. Surely it’s only natural to want to protect your little ones from all the inhumane insanity? What could possibly go wrong with such a worthy and reasonable desire?

You find a room of some description. Perhaps I need to be ever so slightly concerned that I’ll get in trouble for giving people tips on how to do this. Or that my future children might discover these ramblings and realise what my eventual plans for them are. Maybe I should keep things intentionally vague (it’s definitely not because I don’t know what I’m talking about and I’m afraid of it leading to dark, dangerous and twisty places. Because that absolutely never happens).

So the room. It’s perfectly comfortable with pretty colours and tasteful furnishings. There’s entertainment in the form of many books and possibly DVDs (you can’t allow them to have access to the internet obviously but there are plenty of other outlets for their boredom). A bed of course and some sort of massive wheel for the sake of exercise. Most importantly, there’s a lockable entrance that you have the key to and you haven’t provided the child with any hairpins. No way they’re getting out without your permission.

But at least the government are finally cracking down on these misguided parents. They think they’re doing the very best thing for their progeny but sealing them away in a hermetic existence isn’t exactly doing wonders for their social skills. Sticking the jailers in prison is really just a way of giving them some time to think. It’s simply a big ass naughty step. That you can’t get out of. Possibly it’s more than just a slap on the wrist.

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