Jab Will Transform Britain’s Police

I think that someone somewhere in the government may have been watching far too many superhero movies. Of course you’ll find in that sort of situation it’s more of a lone project. One little boy gets to grow up to be a nerd but is imbued with magnificent power thanks to science. I’m pretty sure I’ve heard this tale before.

So it’s going to have to be something of a more grand scale effort than ever before. Due to cutbacks and the like of increasingly epic proportions, one police officer is going to in the future find themselves doing the work of at least six people. Hence the need for super-secret serum to beef them up a bit in the name of fighting crime.

What this plan definitely isn’t is unethical, incredibly dangerous and unconscionably unfair to the poor wee criminals. A heady blend of steroids, hallucinogenic drugs (to make them believe that they are invincible) and a little pinch of fairy dust will be fuelling the police force and spurring them onto great exploits. The illegal element in this country is merely going to have to step up its game.

Obviously this entire plan will be completely above board. There’s going to be all manner of lengthy and detailed consent forms and anyone who receives the jab and has an adverse reaction will be taken care of for life (the very short life that involves treatment like that of horses with broken legs. But we’ll say no more about that particular aspect of this initiative).

The really transformative thing is that this will make the police something to aspire to once again. Forget being an astronaut. Jetting off into space will lose its lustre once you realise that this is the closest you’ll ever get to having magic powers. The police will become superhuman figures of excellence who look down the ends of their noses at the rest of us and decide the time is ripe for conquest. Or something. Dystopias have begun with shakier premises.

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