Lawyers Set to Take Charge of BBC

It simply can’t go on like this. Dodgy presenters from yesteryear keep crawling out of the woodwork. Personalities with unmanageable egos derail all manner of plans by acting out in an unacceptable fashion. The bigger problem with such people is their online following who are more than capable of whipping situations into a frenzy with a minimum of effort. There are other, darker, issues that we really can’t go into here for fear of getting sued (or worse) but altogether they’re making the whole shebang increasingly untenable.

So what can be done? The system is more than a little broken and corporate bigwigs are spectacularly incapable of coping with clean up. There is only one solution left and quite frankly I’m disappointed you haven’t spotted it yet. Bring in the lawyers.

Layers and layers of lawyers in their sharp suits with jargon ready to go at the drop of an especially stylish hat. They will sweep their way in and clear out every single last cobweb. The beeb will finally run like the well-oiled machine it was always supposed to be.

Unfortunately, as with any restructuring campaign, there will be unintended side effects. No matter how well meaning the initial push was, it will totally backfire on your ass. Or, you know, your front. Unless you’d turned around or something. The output will go to crap.

No more smutty descents into helpless innuendo on a certain baking programme. The new Top Gear will be entirely inoffensive and therefore lose whatever apparent charm it once had. The news, well, it’s the news so it’s hard to change it all that much. However, any stories will disappear completely under swathes of disclaimers. I’m trying to work out whether that’s a bad thing or not. Of course, once the British Broadcasting Corporation is fixed, there’s the NHS to sort out too. Excitement all round.

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