Scots Accused of Chaos in Calais

I thought by now that we’d have put all this devolution nonsense well and truly behind us. They had a vote and decided against it. End of. By the grace of having far too many people in this country who disagree with my excellent ideals, we are stuck with a Tory government for the next five years. Rather than screaming and shouting about the injustice of it all (democracy isn’t fair if it doesn’t go my way), I am going to pout and complain instead. It is the British way.

Anyway, what I’m trying in my characteristically roundabout way to say is that the Scots need to leave well enough alone. They must accept that they’ll be shackled to us forevermore because we simply cannot bear to let them go. Or it might have something to do with oil and delicious haggis.

Having failed in their previous attempt to slip the surly bonds of England, the people of Scotland decided to cast around for a little inspiration. Barely a stone’s throw away from British shores is a port of great significance that managed to free itself of British oppression. In all fairness, I don’t really think that Scotland are angling for a military conquest right now but a bit of background research can’t exactly hurt. Putin’s always on standby if they’re really desperate.

A sudden influx of rowdy Scotsmen angling for a fight of a breakup of the union is definitely going to have an impact on surroundings. Especially as they weren’t exactly in the mood for French wine and some very choice cheese. Note there how I didn’t make a deep frying joke. I think I might be growing as a person. I don’t think they meant to make tremendous pests of themselves, I think it was a well-meaning fact finding mission that’s gone more than a little awry. How else do you explain the town now being on fire?

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