70% More Rail Users Falling for Allergy Myths

You don’t need to sit down. No, we’re terribly sorry but it turns out that you’re allergic to the super brand new materials we used to upholster the seats. Cost cutting measures you see. Of course the fact that many of you now can’t use the seats means that the few who can will always have access to them.

What might well help with the sneezing and itching (besides perhaps the odd shot of penicillin. Those of you with weeping sores will instantly know what I’m talking about and thank me wholeheartedly for my advice) is the full range of snacks that can be purchased from our onboard tuck shop.

Whether it’s the antihistamine sandwiches or the soothing juices or even the anti allergy shortbread we have the cure for what ails you. At a price obviously but were you really expected any other service from us. Our ultimate aim is to cram as many more paying suckers onto the trains as possible. If we can somehow invent a problem that might squeeze a few more pounds out of them that’s all to the good isn’t it?

Of course, no one in their right or even slightly wrong mind would want to disagree with that. However, it’s not exactly going to work is it? How are we going to convince people they’ve got allergies to new stuff when everything’s exactly the same? We haven’t exactly got money lying around to actually change the bloody seat covers. That would be mental.

Oh just paint things a slightly different colour and put up lots of colourful posters. It might take a news report or something. We’re probably going to want to get a study going so that we can pull statistics from somewhere to back up what we’re saying.

To evil then. And capitalism. And a staggering quarterly bonus.

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