A Game of Giant Mutant Rats

Oh don’t tell me that wouldn’t be a lot more fun than watching twenty two obscenely overpaid men kick a ball around a field. Of all the bafflingly popular games abounding in the world today football really has to be one of the most cripplingly dull.

At least in cricket you have a few more opportunities for point scoring (even if a single game does insist on lasting for either days or what seems like the rest of your life). And in rugby there’s always the chance that someone might dislocate their head and satisfy our insatiable bloodlust. We are a people of slightly morbid fascination (don’t lie and say that you can resist slowing down as you pass a particularly gruesome accident).

The premise is simple. You take a squad of highly trained (well, trained) rats. Then indulge your mad scientist aspirations by tinkering with their DNA just a little. Once you have your team of massive super-rats with mind bending powers and unparalleled reflexes you’re ready to play. Stick them in your arena of choice be it crate, back garden with industrial grade electric fence (you really don’t want those nippers escaping now do you?) or ingeniously tricksy maze.

At this juncture you might begin to wonder as to what the rules of your game ought to be. What should the point scoring system be? What is the overarching goal of the endeavour? Well my dears, this is very much up to you and what you look for in your competitive sports. Do you wish for your rats to operate as a team? Is it a winner takes all (and by all I should hope you’re providing an especially choice lump of cheese) scenario? Are you seriously expecting the rats to overcome their newfound crazed natures and refrain from tearing their freshly deformed brothers to shreds?

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