Miliband Hardens His Line: I’m Eating Russell Brand

Since the world is a place rife with misunderstandings and mumbled speech, there’s always the possibility that someone wasn’t enunciating efficiently. He might have declared to the world that he was in fact beating said gobby comedian (which, to be fair, is a statement also open to some interpretation depending on your own predilections). However, eating is what we heard and comprehended so it’s the direction I’m going with.

Ed and Russell had some sort of meeting at some point earlier in time (see? I totally pay attention to what goes on in the papers. My head is like a steel trap from which no nugget of information dare escape). Perhaps Ed begged Russell for a lock of hair that he might grind into a paste. Then he could eat said concoction in the hope that he could absorb some of that ineffable charisma by way of osmosis.

On the other hand, that suggestion is incredibly creepy and not behaviour we want to see in potential leaders of the country (if Ed was in the market for devouring freshly harvested hearts in order to gain his victim’s courage, well… it’s an equally insane proposition and yet somehow rugged and manly). We shall discount this theory forthwith.

There’s an outside chance that the ambitious leader of the Labour party was speaking in strictly metaphorical terms. Russell Brand has decided to involve himself in politics despite having no formal qualifications for such a role (such a limitation has never stopped politicians before of course). He’s telling people not to vote and the worry is that the masses might listen to him.

This makes Ed rather sad. And angry. And strangely hungry. Something must be done before the polling stations become an empty wasteland of conscientious objection. He’s going to silence Russell, swallowing that hot air he’s releasing into the world and washing him down with a welcome draft of electoral victory.

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