Lessons In Life To Pad Out Defence Budget

Let’s get real people. We need to sit down in a room (preferably with some suitable snacks and enough coffees and teas to keep us going for quite some time because we’ve got a lot to get through and I really don’t want you nodding off before we’re done) and get everything out. It’s clear for all to see that a great many things need to be said. Am I pointlessly prevaricating before getting down to business because I’m inflating my introduction in the vain hope that it drives my eventual point home? You betcha, but aren’t you the most wonderful clever for realising it before everyone else?

Rather than resorting the use of such gauche items as guns and bombs and pointy things that go bang in the night, we need to have some life lessons. Not at all because the money’s run out, the budget is already straining at the seams and we’ve got other things to pay for like hospitals and basic nutrition. There’s going to be a lot of sitting backwards on chairs because that’s always cooler, doesn’t remotely make you look like a tool and automatically makes whatever’s under discussion eighteen per cent more real. We totally shouldn’t have started this sort of lark back before the cold war. Don’t be so silly.

If anything, this whole programme of negotiation and talking about our feelings merely stems from a drive to be more cost effective. Of course top military officials don’t want to admit to any experiences of vulnerability when their territories get stepped into without prior permission. They’d rather blow the enemy to pieces and lie to the therapist later. And that, in an imaginarily invented nutshell, is very much the problem we started out with. Puns not guns. Homs… not bombs? I’ll stop now. Promise.

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