It’s time and past for the reddest most embarrassed shame faces all round. It just so happens to have turned out that astrology isn’t actually bollocks. I know, who’d have thought it? However, this is the nature of science, you have to go with the evidence in front of you rather than wildly making everything up and claiming some vague mysticism to cover up the fact that you’re talking out of a certain posterior orifice. Sorry, I’m trying to take my sceptical hat off but it’s proving rather tight and unwilling to be removed. I can practically hear some of you out there scoffing at what I’m saying and I’m really not helping matters in the arena of getting you to believe.
For the naysayers who insist on having ‘proof’ and ‘facts’ before they’ll start signing on to your crazy theories, allow me to enlighten you. There has been a plethora of double blind large scale studies investigating all sorts of areas pertinent to the world of astrology. There were questionnaires and psychological evaluations. People were locked in boxes (you know, in a sciencey way, for reasons) and thousands upon thousands of star charts were made. And the wide array of data collected all points to one thing; the arrangement of the stars actually factually does have a significant impact on your day to day life. Trust me, the numbers guys have checked it over and over and it all stacks up.
So the scientific community has done a highly sharpish about turn and got on board with a concept they ridiculed up until very recently. Astrology is now a better respected science than astronomy and everyone is going to have to accept that fact. There will be new degree courses and prestigious professions spawned by this shocking discovery. Your star sign will become a genuine reason to discriminate against you and you’ll get all sorts lying about when their birthday was to change it rather than their age. Go and check your horoscope, it will tell you what to do from now on.