Outcry After Undercover Film Exposes Brutality of Eating Packed Lunch

No this is not a vegetarian rant about the evils of sliced and processed dead pig or cow between your carbs of choice. As if I would do that to you when I’ve been a dedicated carnivore for quite so many years (maybe I would because I do so very enjoy blatant and wildly flip flopping hypocrisy). But then again, I was not the film maker. In the digitally based wisdom, they decided that they rather wanted to go after the inside scoop. They went behind, underneath and within all the darkest and most dangerous hidden cracks of society (where not even mould dares to spread).

Have you ever wondered what goes on in your lunchbox? Of course you haven’t, you’re a vaguely normal person. Maybe you don’t even have a lunchbox. Perhaps you venture out every day to purchase a sandwich from whichever reputable vendor you’ve arbitrarily decided is your favourite and have therefore earned the scorn of the big energy companies who desire you to conserve your funds in order to pay for the bills they simply have to send to you. For those of you who indulge in such behaviour, you have my full permission to stare gormlessly out of the window for the remainder of this post (you really must pay attention tomorrow though, it might be frightfully important).

It just so happens that, thanks to these brave documentarians, we have finally discovered the surprisingly harrowing events that occur right under the plastic lid. The bread is dying. It used to be vital and youthful and glowing and now it’s expiring right before our very eyes. The crisps are evilly plotting to choke you and will definitely do it once they find the courage. That piece of fruit that you thought was so very healthy is in league with some very bad people trying to import guns into your office. The cake is just cake. You knew that, don’t be silly. Cake can never be evil.

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