Family On UK Benefits Rushed In To Guard Our Streets

It’s the new kind of conscription. Making people really work for those truckloads of free cash the government forks over for absolutely no reason at all. You know, apart from the whole below the poverty line thing and that (just shamelessly pushing my liberal agenda because that’s totally how I roll). In the current climate of benefits cheats and concerns surrounding such mythical beasts, it’s hardly surprising that the bigwigs at the top want to be seen to be actually doing something about it. So rather than handing out stipends to those who need it or qualify for it for whatever other reason (perhaps they’ve reproduced and they’ve somehow got it into their heads that such behaviour means that they’re entitled to free stuff. Oh, child benefit? Never heard of it. My mother has some explaining to do. I find it hard to believe that I was raised on more than about a tenner a week), there are radical new plans in the works.

It’s an incredible brainwave that sets about to kill two birds with one stone (if there are any environmentalists listening, we obviously don’t mean literally. Please do not get your dolphin friendly, one hundred per cent recycled knickers into too much of a twist). It’s safe to say nowadays that absolutely nobody feels the very tiniest slightest bit secure when they’re out and about on the streets nowadays. That is why they’re going to pay families sums just the right side of a pittance for incentive purposes to patrol them.

Who would feel comfortable committing any sort of crime in front of a disapproving young mother from Walthamstow? Small and increasingly righteous tiny children will grow ever more eager to dob you in for sweets. And naturally there will be the most heated rivalry between the dads to see who can apprehend the most vicious criminal in the most exciting way. Clearly it’ll all be entirely made up but where’s the harm in that?

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