The Bloody Children Are Safe

Alright, perhaps that’s not quite the most appropriate way of framing that particular sentiment ever. However, it can be the only way of reaching the especially entrenched when they’re convinced that people aren’t paying them every last scrap of attention that they are quite definitely due. Shock value can be the last weapon in your arsenal to get through to the Helen Lovejoys of the world. They’re safe, they’re fine, nothing especially pressing is posing any immediate danger to them and it does so happen that there are real things you should probably be worrying about that little bit more.

I don’t know what these scary threats actually are per se but they definitely have absolutely nothing to do with the kids. It could quite easily have a little something or other to do with the extent to which you’re neglecting the increasingly demanding needs of your significant other by being on constant alert for the jeopardies being posed to the more infantile among your immediate circle. Just thinking straight off the top of my head here (you know, like I always do though I pretend as hard as I can otherwise. I suppose one of my dangers is that people are going to get steadily and surely tired of the torrential guff I spout and move on to greener pastures. Maybe you should start thinking of the children again).

Of course danger tends to suggest something altogether more important. Like how big your bum really does look in those jeans, how close to miserably failing all your crucial work targets are or that baby friendly comet about to smash it way directly through your conservatory roof. There really are far too many hazards in this life for anyone to be spared but let me assure you that at least until the end of this sentence, any children you currently have or may choose to produce in the next thirty seconds will probably be about as alright as they were at the beginning of it.

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