Sick Ebola Nurse Under the Microscope

How could they have let that woman back into the country? Seriously, a nurse? We’re overrun with them, what with their upside down watches and constant cravings for endless cups of tea. So is it any wonder that we’ve finally taken the necessary steps to fight the plague of far too many nurses in all the wrong places. I speak of course of laboratory testing. You would think that a fully grown nurse is simply far too large to fit under the microscope. Clearly you’ve never been in a properly functioning lab. I would sneer at you for your lack of really rather basic general knowledge but I’m far too nice for such patronising behaviour.

So it’s a fairly simple exercise of taking a cutting from the patient (don’t worry, the tissue will very definitely grow back, I haven’t mixed anything up at all), grind it into a paste that you can very quickly and easily slide onto the observation plate and take a gander at what secretive wonders its tiny structures hold. And it turns out that such investigations have yielded some astonishing results that I absolutely haven’t just made up to fill in some space. They have shaken the scientific community in general and specifically the epidemiologists are leaping up and down with excitement at what these developments will mean for future… things.

It would seem that people who are infected with ebola can actually glow in the dark. Provided that there’s another source of ambient light and someone’s taken the trouble to shine it right behind them. Also, ebola is an utter dick of a microorganism. It will basically moon whoever’s observing it at any opportunity. And it’s always asking for money. It’s even worse that we thought. And it turns out that they have their own tiny motorbikes which is precisely how it manages to be so very infectious and has killed nearly everyone it has encountered. We’re doomed.

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