£20,000 Golden Hello For Scotland Bloodbath

Is it any surprise with Scotland politics being the way they are that they’ve turned to popular franchises like The Hunger Games for inspiration? Really twenty thousand pounds is a sum that’s cheap at twice the price to get things back on track. Especially with sponsorship deals and pay per view subscriptions positively flooding in. They’ll cover the cost and then some in less than a fortnight. It’s a perfectly simple premise. Instead of the usual mind numbingly boring run up to an election with empty vacuous interviews and public appearances crammed with the usual empty niceties, there will be the same things but you’ll know that they’ll be leading to a fight to the death.

Any candidate wishing to run for office north of the border will have their names entered into some sort of lovely hat. From said hat the tributes will be selected. The lucky winners of the honour will be given time to train and provided with perfectly loving and enthusiastic mentors who will grant them the learning and encouragement that will surely spur them on to greater success. Then someone or other will dope them up with a buttload of tranquillisers, dump them in some field or other and leave them to scrap it out to the death. Oh, and they’ll throw in a bear. You know, to raise the stakes a little.

Then a glorious victor will emerge and he or she shall be crowned King of Scotland (which shall henceforth be a unisex title no matter what the haters might have to say about it). Their word shall be utter and total law. If they want to make Scotland one hundred per cent thoroughly independent and keep all their oil and the pound to boot, they will. Then in five years or so they’ll have another bloodbath to prove that they deserve to hang onto their rulership. Or otherwise. Go on, try and deny that’s not a much better way of doing elections.

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