Osborne Savaged By Christmas Parcels

It’s pretty clear what’s going on. The holiday’s gone feral. There are plenty of examples of how people can just kind of sort of snap around the festive period. Some people find themselves tipping over the edge due to all the enforced merriment and gifting pressure. Others get spectacularly inappropriate with the famous Yuletide icons (please don’t be dirty. I was thinking of something along the lines of ‘I saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus’ as opposed to any of the filth I know that your mind is capable of creating) and said Christmassy characters have been known to dive head first off the deep end (you know, Weird Al’s ‘The Night Santa Went Crazy’ where he blitzes his workshop with bullets).

While it’s safe to say that anyone could have predicted such a turn of events, George himself was really rather surprised. Now when I tell you that Mr Osborne was savaged by a stack of Christmas parcels, you may well find yourself imagining a scenario whereby some kind well wisher wanted to send the chancellor a flock of peckish wolverines and didn’t quite think the delivery system through. If that’s what you managed to conjure up then I have to say that I’m more than a little disappointed in you. You clearly need to brush up on your Harry Potter and literature of his ilk.

When I inform you that the parcels were vicious, believe me when I say that it was the packaging that really went for him. Snapping and snarling present tags, rough and suspiciously bitey looking lethal wrapping paper and twine that has serious ambitious of one day becoming a garrotte. That is quite definitely how it went down. George absolutely did not get his comeuppance for trying to sneakily open his presents early by landing himself with a thousand and one paper cuts.

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