The joy of the invented silliness of this headline mash up thing is that I don’t have to talk about terrible stories like the incredibly sad news coming out of Sydney today.
This is far from music to the ears of a confirmed couch potato like myself. I remain indoors, warm and cozy and snug, with copious volumes of gently steaming tea and expand my mind by way of reading (I certainly don’t spend all my time watching countless hours of Netflix and trawling the internet for fleeting instances of diversion). However, it just so turns out that such behaviour is going to put an end to me years before my time.
I don’t smoke, take drugs or drink particularly often or much (well, I never said that I was a complete saint now did I?) but none of those angelic habits make all that much of an impact in the grand scheme of things. I’m not a runner. Some of you out there are bound to be thinking that what I’m currently coming out with is patently obvious, of course you’re bound to live a longer and healthier life if only you’d indulge in regular bouts of proper and extended exercise. Well they’re far too busy feeling really rather superior to take on board my true message of the day.
Recent highly scientific studies have shown that you can actually and properly outrun the flow of time. If you put your mind and, more importantly, your legs to proper work you can prevent yourself from growing older. It sounds altogether far too good to be true now doesn’t it? Well, as with all these sorts of things in life, there are just one or two caveats. Yes, it’s possible to go quickly enough to cheat death. However, you have to keep going to the point of total exhaustion and beyond (at which point you’ll, well, die but at the exact same age as when you started. That’s definitely better, right?).