In a controversial new piece of legislation, the government has allowed the army to recruit into their ranks children as young as four as an alternative to conventional education. The army is aware that this might be perceived by the public as somewhat draconian by the general public, let alone concerned parents. That’s because it is. However, to pre-empt the forecast public backlash, high up officials in the ranks are keen to present their child facilities in the best light possible. Majors are going to receive top flight childcare training and every lieutenant will be armed at all times with safety scissors and crazy glue.
As for concerns that the tiny tots will get wounded in combat, have no fear. They’ll be armed to the teeth with the latest and greatest in formidable blowing the enemy to bits technology from bazookas to grenades. Tantrums will be positively encouraged in the hope that they will induce some sort of beserker effect and put the fear of God in enemy troops. It’s hardly surprising that there are already murmurings of dissent among anti-progressives. What if the others are distracted by a child soldier who’s fallen over and scraped their knee? Will they shrink back from using their comrades as tiny human shields? Don’t worry, they’ll be fully instructed in the very best possible method in using the little ones as bullet deflectors.
It’s hoped that these measures will allow the army to over subscribe and flood their ranks. It also means that naysayers will be forced to stop complaining that the army is preying on impressionable teenagers with promises of paying for their increasingly unaffordable higher education. No, the army will no longer subsidise such programmes and will instead issue each teeny tiny recruit with as much pick and mix and they can carry. The trial recruits have been thrilled with such payment.