Chancellor Misses Key Target As Intelligent Computers Take Over

George Osbourne wiped away the sweat that beaded across his brow, he knew well that he didn’t have the time he needed to properly rest. Gritting his teeth, he tightened his grip on his sawn off shotgun and propelled himself to his feet. It was not a moment too soon as just then the robots came crashing round the corner. How had it come to this in such a short time? Everyone had shrugged off Stephen Hawking’s dire predictions about the fate of the human race should artificial intelligence continue to be developed. It sounded all too Terminator to be credible. And yet, the advent of the automated unit that could make porridge for you just the way you like it had spelt humanity’s doom.

There was no going back, George hoisted the weapon into position and fired bolts of electromagnetism (weapons had advanced too, the thing he was packing merely most resembled a sawn off shotgun so that’s the imagery I went for) at the advancing foes. He knew full well it would keep them at bay for long. He had to escape. Although, was there any way to truly escape this nightmarish future delivered courtesy of curious boffins? Perhaps the was. He had to find David. Ever since his humiliating removal from power by the Green Party in 2015, he had retreated from the world and had been putting his considerable resources ever since towards any way of ending their regime. It was of course thanks to their drive towards renewable energy that George was now dealing with solar powered automatons with an unquenchable thirst for human flesh.

As George pelted along the corridor, he failed to notice a loose floor tile, stumbled and smashed with a sickening crunch into the wall. He scrambled to his knees so that he could face his pursuers. He raised his weapon once more to aim a bolt at the leader’s chest where a jam jar sized hole allowed easy access to the compartment that housed its battery. Unfortunately, George missed and ended up in a casserole with Lembit Opik, as was always his fate.

So you may have noticed that I’m trying something a little bit different. As anyone could have predicted, I ran out of qs and xs so I present to you the very first instalment of the Daily News Headline Mash Up. Pretty self explanatory, made up nonsense from fragments of news headlines.


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