It’s high time and past that I taught you how to be a freaking lady. I’m sure you think rolling your eyes at me like that makes you look worldly and sophisticated in an unconcerned, unruffled and nonchalant way. I’m afraid that you’re only under that impression because you can’t see what that expression is doing to your face. I can totally tell how bothered by it you are. But it’s alright, even your mildly hopeless case is salvageable. Even as you sit there, slack jawed with your arms and legs completely akimbo, tragically mussed and unkempt and struggling with various bodily emissions struggling to make their way out of you, I promise that I really can tell that there’s some vestige of hope for you. Possibly.
Perhaps I shouldn’t get too overly concerned with what you ought to be doing. After all, it’s so much more fun to tell you off and inform you what you certainly shouldn’t be getting up to. It’s also a lot easier for me to think up a long list of things that are entirely unfitting behaviour for a lady, for it is entirely down to my thoroughly arbitrary decision process what is unbecoming and what is not.
So to be delicate and feminine, one must engage in no farting, no scratching, no getting of lower back tattoos, no outspoken language, no sitting astride horses, no stomaching blood or any level of gore and simply no refusals to whip up delicious baked goods at the drop of a dapper bowler hat. On the other hand, it is incredibly important that you also bear in mind that proper lady life really ought to include no settling for less than you deserve, no accepting the gender pay gap as just being par for the course, no not rising to various challenges thrown your way and quite certainly no submitting to the patriarchy.