I is for Iceberg

It’s got to be one of the more inventive murder weapons hasn’t it? Why are you looking at me like that? Haven’t you heard the story? I can’t believe you don’t know it. You are at the very least aware that there was a ship called the Titanic? And how did it meet its end? Yes, that’s right; iceberg (I’ve totally got that patronising teacher manner down, it’s almost as if it’s in my blood or something like that). But clearly you’re not quite acquainted with the fact that there was a lot more to it than a random act of violence from the sea.

It all started rather a long time ago (you know, before the iceberg had even slipped away from whatever ice shelf it was originally attached to. Then it had to drift precisely into its remarkably convenient location. I bet you were thinking that the sinking of that sadly massive boat was a tragic accident. Oh no my friend, stuff like that doesn’t just happen by coincidence. You’ll see). Someone got into an argument over an incorrectly iced drink. It’s idiotic incidents such as this that spark decades long feuds that escalate and complicate to the point where heads begin to roll. The whole Montague Capulet disagreement only kicked off because of an embarrassment involving the non lockage of a toilet door.

After the thing with the ice cubes (it was supposed to be crushed ice. The mistake totally threw off the composition of the cocktail and a beloved maiden aunt almost choked to death. You can see now why people were annoyed), feelings were stepped on and massively hurt, mean words were exchanged and supervillains who at this point would rather not be named got involved. Said evil genius developed his powers of ocean manipulation to bring the iceberg into play to get back at someone for a snub they can’t even remember. Showed them. The original plan involved inducing sea sickness. Drowning everyone on board definitely sent a clearer message. Or at least it would have done if any of that was true and I hadn’t just made it up on the fly.


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